Frostbite: A Frozen Parody
by Dilly-Oh
Summary: Is Frozen a funny movie? Yes. Could it be even funnier? Probably not, but that doesn't stop me from trying! Experience the incredible movie we all know and love, reworked by yours truly into a hilarious parody, songs included! You'll never look at Frozen the same way again! Now COMPLETE! Rated Teen for language! Read and review, please!
1. Part 1

Author's Note: Hi, remember me? You probably try not to. I'm Dilly-Oh, the sick bitch who has had so much fun disemboweling classic Animes such as Escaflowne, Blood +, Blue Exorcist, and several of the Street Fighter films, transfiguring them into laughter-inducing parodies filled with dumb. I had thought to take a break from parodies for a while, to collect myself and let my funny-mojo simmer. But that didn't last very long. For lo, there in the distance, I saw something I wanted to parody…and I could not contain myself! So, with great pride, here is my next monstrosity- I mean…masterpiece!

Disney's _Frozen_!

I liked the film, but only after the second or third time watching it, started to write down my silly thoughts, and thus was this born. This is only the first part of the fic, so expect more on the way! Not every song from the film is included, but the ones that are have been…_'revised'_ for comedic effect. Any singing is done in _italics_, so just remember to read them to the same beat/rhythm as the actual song, and they come out right! Now please, read and enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Frozen. Disney is damn LUCKY.

Frostbite: A Frozen Parody

Part 1

Clear lake water bubbled beneath a thick layer of ice, peacefully serene. A pair of thick-soled boots walked overhead, causing the ice to creak softly beneath the weight. A sharp saw suddenly punched through into the water beneath, the tool chewing easily through the many inches of ice with its sharp, serrated teeth.

Atop the frozen layer, a row of rugged men dressed in thick woolen clothing worked as one, the pull and push of their saws setting a rhythm that they sang to in deep, sonorous voices. …They should quit cutting ice and cut an album instead. I'd seriously buy that shit.

_Born of cold and elements_

_ And other junk combining!_

_ This freezing crap that we all hate_

_ Is misery defining!_

More men pulled out long iron prongs, which they used to pry the ice apart and push the smaller pieces down a line in the now open water. A little blond boy moved eagerly to join the men, sharing a carrot with the reindeer calf trotting at his side.

_Icy cold, it freezes our nards!_

_ Those beautiful, awful, crystal shards!_

_ Fate has dealt us these bad cards!_

_ Screw this stupid job!_

_ But we need the money, *Sob!*_

The boy stood at the end of the line of grunting men and took out a small saw, quickly cutting out a chunk of ice…right beneath one unlucky man's feet. He went down in a splash of flailing limbs, sputtering for air and gasping at the shocking cold. The men were too busy singing to hear his desperate cries for help. The boy swore and scrambled to fish him out.

_Awful!_

_ Terrible!_

_ Like an ex!_

_ To the bone!_

_ Ice is a bitch, won't leave you alone!_

_ Stronger than boy, stronger than man!_

_ Stronger than a PMS-ing woman!_

Huge draft horses hauled large sleds alongside the men, who used ice tongs to pull the ice free of the water and load them onto the open backs. The boy wasn't having much luck, the man having gone under for some time. He pulled out his own pair of ice tongs and began stabbing at the water randomly.

_Born in ways that we don't get_

_ And weather all entwining!_

_ This icy crud that we all loathe_

_ Is forever undermining!_

As darkness fell over the frozen lake, the men continued their hard work and song, cutting and splitting the ice into blocks. The boy had caught the drowned man's head in his tongs, and the reindeer snagged a boot in its mouth. Working together, they dragged him out of the freezing water.

_This song is symbolic, nothing more!_

_You won't understand, 'less you've seen this before!_

_We mean the ice in Anna's coeur_

_Or maybe Elsa's heart?_

_Now on to the next paaaaart!_

The men climbed atop the heavily laden ice-sleds as the horses snorted and began to haul them home.

"Hurry, Sven! I think a _finger_ just broke off!" The boy threw the man's limp form onto his own small sled and hopped on, the reindeer calf tugging them forward to follow the others. They caught up to the men at the next hill, and quite understandably, they were NOT happy.

"HEY! This poor man's nards are frozen solid! Were you NOT listening to our song?!"

"What've you DONE, Kristoff?!"

"We will see your ass in court!"

"No, I'll see _yours_!" Kristoff snapped back, crossing his arms. "Ever heard of child labor laws?!"

The men all immediately went quiet.

"…We didn't see anything," one finally muttered.

"Buh-"

"Shut up and get on the sleds, men, gogogo!" They piled back on the sleds with their friend's body and were quickly pulled away.

"Oh yeah! Saved it!" Kristoff and Sven bumped heads in triumph. "_Ow your horns are getting pointy owww_-" He paused. "Dang, I shoulda asked for hush money, too."

-Elsewhere-

The northern lights bloomed across the night sky, playing with the stars in a vivid array of colors. Beneath that magnificent display, the modest kingdom of Arendelle slept. Made up of small, humble houses tucked amongst the mountains and a wide lake, the town was dominated by an impressive castle with peaked roofs. In that very castle, a young blond girl lay in bed, sleeping.

"_Psst_! Elsa!"

…Or at least TRYING to.

"_Psst_!" A younger girl with her reddish-brown hair in pigtails peeked over the edge of her sister's bed, then clambered up onto the blankets. "Elsa! Wake up!

"_Unngh_! Go to sleep, Anna!" Elsa groaned, burying her head beneath her pillow.

"I can't!" Anna flopped over on top of her and wriggled around. "The _sky's_ awake, so _I'm_ awake!" She blinked. "Plus I drank some of daddy's coffee-"

"Anna!" Elsa cried sharply.

"_Whaaat_?"

"…You're supposed to SHARE!"

"Oh, but I AM!" Anna giggled and held up a mug of steaming coffee. Elsa smiled back.

…They are gonna be bouncing off the WALLS.

"Wanna build a snowman?" Anna asked as Elsa gulped down the hot coffee. She lowered the cup, eyes wide and trembling a little.

"I wanna build TEN!"

The girls snuck downstairs in their nighties, easily dodging the many trip-cords, bear-traps and lava-pits the King had laid out for intruders and salesmen. They crept into a vast, empty ballroom, giggles echoing off the walls.

"Do the magic, do the magic!" Anna urged excitedly, jittering from the caffeine.

"Okay, okay!" Elsa dramatically reached out a hand and…pulled a quarter from behind her sister's ear. "…Ta-dah!"

"No! I meant the _other_ magic!" Anna protested.

"You mean the one where I put my fist in my mouth?"

"No, the ICE one!" Anna eyed the quarter. "…Can I keep that-"

"_Mmmph-mmph_," Elsa said around her fist, forking it over. Once she finally got her hand free (with Anna's help), she held it up, and blue sparks sprang to life, rising into the air and bursting into a shower of snow. Anna crowed happily, dancing amidst the falling flakes.

"Yaaaay! I can't feel my toes!"

The two girls played together in the rapidly-accumulating snow, rolling it into balls and making a squat snowman. Elsa chuckled and ducked behind it, talking in a goofy voice.

"Hi, I'm Olaf, and I love warm hugs!"

"Aww!" Anna giggled, sitting on the throne.

"AND TENDER CHILD'S FLESH-"

"_AUUUUUGH_!" She shot for the stairs.

"No Anna wait I'm sorry come back I won't do it again!"

They skated on the icy floor, slid down snowy hills, and gulped down several more cups of coffee to fuel their play. Hyped up on the caffeine rush, Anna began to leap from snow mound to snow mound, Elsa creating another pile to catch her as she fell.

"Anna, wait!" Elsa cried, struggling to keep up. "Calm down!"

"Whee! I can fly!"

"No you can't! We didn't drink Red Bull! _Wait_!"

Elsa suddenly slipped on the ice beneath her feet, and an icy blast of her power struck Anna in the head. The little girl fell to the ground, still and lifeless.

"ANNA!" Elsa gasped, running to her side. "You are at least _partly_ to blame for this! I am NOT going down alone!" Her eyes widened as a lock of Anna's hair turned white. "…Wow that looks kinda cool maybe I should hit you again-" When Anna didn't respond, panic set in. "Momma, poppa! HELP!" Elsa dissolved into tears, and the room around her froze solid as her powers spread in her upset.

"Elsa!" The King and Queen burst through the frozen doors and ran to her. "What've you _done_?!"

"I'm sorry, it was an accident-"

"Young lady, I told you NOT to touch the thermostat! Look at all the snow in here!" The King threw his hands up in exasperation. "This rug is _ruined_! It will take _forever_ to dry and the bill-"

"You are in time out, missy!" the Queen chided, shaking a finger at her.

"NO!" Elsa shouted at them. "I was using my ice powers and I hurt Anna!"

"…Ah." The Queen stopped, blinking. "…She might be a bit…_harder_…to replace."

"Not THAT hard," the King chuckled, winking at her.

"Dear, NOT NOW."

"Right. Daughter dying. Sorry."

"She's as cold as ice!" the Queen gasped as she took Anna in her arms.

"I _know_ where we have to go," the King said with utmost certainty.

Several minutes later, the family stood in the castle's expansive kitchen, in front of the blazing oven.

"NO," the Queen said firmly, holding Anna tight.

"…But don't you think it'll-" the King began.

"We are not COOKING our child!"

"FINE!" The king huffed. "…I suppose we could go see the Trolls."

"…Do the _Trolls_ have ovens?" Elsa asked worriedly.

"No, honey, they don't," the Queen assured her, and soon they were riding out of the castle on horses, a trail of ice in their wake, courtesy of Elsa. They rode through the sleeping town and into the darkened woods, passing Kristoff and Sven in their rush. The boy gaped at the shimmering trail they left behind.

"Maybe NOW I'll get my hush money!" He jumped on Sven's back and shot after them. A short ride later, he hopped back off and snuck close amongst some mossy boulders to watch as the royal family approached a clearing, more boulders and rocks dotting the ground.

"Please, help my daughter!" the King begged aloud, the rest of the family crowding in behind him.

"Wow, asking _rocks_ for help? They must be _desperate_." Kristoff snorted. "…Or crazy." He considered his options. "…Maybe I should run-"

Suddenly the boulders trembled and rolled forward, surrounding the royal family and uncurling to reveal little grey creatures with moss-clothing and crystal necklaces. They gathered around to stare at the newcomers curiously.

"_Trolls_?!" Kristoff gasped and turned away. "Sven, let's get out of-" He was peeing on a rock. "NO SVEN THAT'S A-"

"_YUCK_!" The rock shook itself off and stood up, a female Troll. "You kids have NO manners! Your parents didn't raise you right!"

"…They didn't raise me at all," Kristoff stated matter-of-factly.

"Well _I'll_ fix that!" The female Troll smiled. "I'm Bulda, and I'm-a keep you!"

"Uhh, that really won't be necessary-"

"Nonsense!" She seized both of them in a rib-snapping hug. Kristoff gurgled in pain and went cross-eyed, Sven kicking his legs feebly.

Down in the clearing, an old, wizened Troll rolled through the others and straightened to gently take Elsa's hand in his.

"Born with the powers, or cursed?" he asked in a gravelly voice.

"Born," the King answered, then went on in a conspiratorial whisper, "and if you ask me, she got it from her MOTHER'S side-"

"Is this about you calling my mother a frigid bitch?" the Queen cut in.

"What NO I would NEVER-"

While they argued in hushed voices, the old Troll inspected Anna, gently touching her head and grumbling in concern. The King broke off his desperate pleas and became solemn once more.

"Tell me, what damage has been done," he said. The old Troll grumbled some more and shook his head sadly.

"I will do what I can, but I fear…" He took a deep breath, then let it out in a long sigh. "…SHE WILL RANDOMLY BURST INTO SONG."

"My GOD…" the King whispered in horror.

"It's even worse than _Elsa's_ power!" the Queen said, aghast. Elsa shuddered fearfully and clutched her mother tight.

"You're lucky it wasn't her heart," the old Troll went on in a grave tone. "The heart is not so easily changed. The head, though…_can_ be bribed…"

"Can you do one more?" The Queen sniffed, glaring frostily at her husband.

"Bay-BEE, don't be like that-"

"_Hush_!" The old Troll shut them up. "To be safe, I will remove all magic, even memories of magic…" With a wave of his hand, Anna's memories with Elsa appeared in the air, changing from magic to normal, everyday things. "But don't worry…I will leave the _fun-_" He stopped short as more memories appeared, of Elsa bullying Anna, stealing her cookies, pulling her hair. "…Good God, maybe I should be changing _more_ than the magic-"

"…She deserved some of it!" Elsa protested. "So, wait. She won't remember I have powers?" She thought for a moment. "…Can you make her forget that I owe her five dollars?"

"NO, and you _must_ be careful." The old Troll turned back to the King and Queen. "There is beauty in her power, but also great DANGER. The people will grow to fear her, then eventually they will rise up and STRIKE HER DOWN-"

"You hear that, Elsa?" the King said firmly, placing a hand on her shoulder. "You must be cautious!"

"…Actually I was talking about your OTHER daughter, but I guess you should be careful about your powers, too, though they're not NEARLY as terrifying as the hers." The old Troll shrugged.

"She'll learn to control them," the King promised. "Until then, we'll close the castle gates, reduce the staff, and limit her contact with people. We'll hide her _terrible_ power from everyone!"

"Dad, is it _really_ that bad?" Elsa asked.

"Oh sorry honey I thought we were still talking about Anna but yeah we should probably do the same with you, too."

Elsa rolled her eyes and groaned.

-Several Months Later…-

Winter had fallen over Arendelle, the towering mountains and peaceful town dusted with snow. Anna smiled out at the welcoming sight from the castle window, and ran to Elsa's room, knocking on the door. She stepped back, took a breath, and began to sing.

_Do you wanna sing a duet?_

_ Come on, let's go be free._

_ You always stay inside_

_ It's like you're trying to hide_

_ Almost like you're scared of me!_

_ We used to be such good pals_

_ But no longer._

_ Why did you Unfriend meeee?_

_ Do you wanna sing a duet?_

_ Or maybe make a snowman?_

"G…go away, Anna!" Elsa lay beneath her bed, wrapped in blankets and cowering in fear as she stared at the door. Anna sighed and started walking away.

_Is this cuz I soaked your bed in peeee?_

"You WHAT?!" The door slammed open and Elsa stormed out. Anna ran shrieking down the hall, her sister hot on her heels.

Later that day, Elsa stood with the King in his study.

"The gloves will help," her father said, holding out a pair of white gloves. Elsa smiled and reached for them…and instantly froze them solid. "…Godammit, Elsa."

"I'm _sorry_!"

Several years passed, and Anna, a little taller and her hair in two long braids, ran up to Elsa's door and tried again, knocking and beginning to sing.

_Do you wanna sing a duet?_

_ Or go down the stairs on sleds?_

_ I think some supervision is overdue_

_ Cuz I've started talking to_

_ Strangers in the chatrooms on the web!_

"Oh look this one has his own van!" Anna sat in front of the computer, typing away cheerfully.

_It gets a little boring, always alone._

_ I think I'm going nuuuuts…_

Anna lay in front of the grandfather clock, ticking and tocking like a nut as she watched the pendulum move back and forth. Gerda stood awkwardly behind her with a tray and slowly began inching backwards toward the door.

Elsa paced her bedroom, holding her gloved hands tightly to her chest.

"I'm scared!" she choked out. "Mom, dad! It's getting worse!"

"Your powers?" the King asked gently.

"NO! Anna's SINGING! She just won't stop!"

"Elsa-" The Queen started forward.

"No, don't touch me!" Elsa jerked away. "I don't want YOU guys to start, too! That's the last thing I need, everyone bursting into song like it's an episode of Glee! UGH!" The King and Queen kept back and sadly watched their daughter pace.

More years passed, and the King and Queen were busy packing for an overseas trip, the servants bringing their luggage towards the front door. Elsa, now a lovely young woman, stood waiting for them at the bottom of the stairs.

"Do you _have_ to go?" she asked pleadingly. The King's smile was gentle.

"The therapist ordered it," he explained with patience. "This marriage counseling might be the _last_ thing that could help us-"

"You'll make us late!" the Queen snapped at him, striding past.

"Oh right because I'M the one who took an HOUR to decide on which SHOES to bring!" the King shot back. His wife stormed through the front doors in a huff. The King watched her go. "…God I love that woman. That mean, _mean_ woman." He turned back to Elsa and touched her shoulder. "It'll be FINE, Elsa. We'll be back in two weeks."

"Alright," Elsa sighed. "…Aren't you gonna say goodbye to An-"

"_Do you wanna sing a duuueeet_?" A voice floated down the stairs.

"OKAY GOTTA GO BYE!" The King snatched up his luggage and all but ran out the door.

"No wait take me with you!" Elsa picked up her skirts and started after them.

Sadly, the King and Queen's boat was caught in a violent storm at sea, and sank beneath the ocean's churning waves. Their bodies were never found. Although there _were_ rumors of witnesses seeing them on a beach in Mexico, arguing, they were only rumors. The Kingdom of Arendelle mourned the loss of their King and Queen, but none so much as Anna and Elsa. Anna, now grown like her sister, stood outside on a grass hill where two gravestones had been erected, a small crowd dressed in black and the priest droning on. When he finally finished his prayer, she cleared her throat.

"I…have prepared a _song_ in honor of-" she began.

"Oh no that will not be necessary-" the priest cut in hurriedly.

"What why not-"

"Because, it'll…make us cry!" He sputtered, then mumbled under his breath. "…For a totally _different_ reason."

"But it's a funeral, we're supposed to cry! Just let me- HEY!" She had to be physically restrained.

Still in her black funeral dress, Anna returned to the castle and approached Elsa's door slowly, reaching out to give it a timid knock.

"…Elsa?" she whispered, then went on in song.

_Please, I know you hear me._

_ I just can't take it anymore._

_ I want to sing, I mean I really do_

_ Please let me sing with you_

_ Just unlock the door!_

Anna leaned her back against the door and slowly slid down to sit on the floor, tears filling her eyes.

_ No-one else will let me_

_ You're the only one._

_ Why is my butt so coooold?_

_ Guess you finally made that snowman…_

Elsa sat on the other side of the door, her room covered in a thick layer of frost and snow, hugging Olaf and trying not to cry.

-Three Years Later-

Summer bloomed in Arendelle, the warm sun coaxing up colorful flowers and a warm breeze. The whole kingdom buzzed with excitement, people thronging the streets and a line of ships sailing into the harbor. Foreign dignitaries from all over were arriving for a very important event.

"Welcome to Arendelle!" The new arrivals were greeted warmly by officials as they walked down the docks and entered the town. "Do you have any fruit?" Another official was patting down guests, a drug-dog sniffing their privates.

"Why do I have to _wear_ this?" a small boy whined, tugging at his nice coat. His mother clucked at him and shook a finger.

"Because the Queen has come of age," she told him firmly. "It's time for her _coronation_!" The boy gave her a blank stare.

"…Is it gonna hurt?"

"No, but I'll tell you what will!" the woman snapped. "My hand upside your head if you don't hurry!"

"Okay, okay!"

Other citizens were busy decorating the town with banners and streamers, flowers littering the streets. A familiar blond young man stood by his wagon, a large reindeer nudging his side.

"Hey, Sven!" Kristoff said, smiling. He went on a silly, deep voice. "_Is that a carrot in your pocket, or are you happy to see me_?" He chortled at his own joke. Sven just rolled his eyes.

*_CHOMP_!*

"OW MY DICK-"

"_Aahhh_…Arendelle," a skinny, weasly old man with glasses and a white moustache snickered as he slithered into the town, two lackeys flanking him. "Our most mysterious trade partner…_yessss_…open your gates so I may GROPE your riches and MOLEST your secrets!" He cleared his throat and turned to a passerby. "In case you can't tell, I'm EVIL."

"And I'M disturbed," they answered, hurrying away.

"I can't wait to see the Queen and Princess!" one dignitary said, approaching the palace. "I've heard they're total _foxes_!"

"Oh, no doubt!" another agreed. "They're the epitome of grace and decadence, to be sure!"

-Inside the Palace-

Anna lay sprawled in bed, drooling down her chin and ripping a huge fart. After it petered out, she snorted, scratched herself, and rolled over.

…She…is…BEAUTIFUL.

"Princess Anna?" a voice broke in from outside the door. "…Is there a dying moose in there, or did you just fart?"

"Whu?! NO!" Anna sat bolt-upright, her hair a reddish-brown shrubbery, still half-asleep. "I…I was just…practicing…my trumpet!" She farted again, this one low and long. "See, Kai? That was a _perfect_ G-flat."

"…Princess Anna," Kai said after a moment, "please stop farting and get dressed for your sister's coronation."

"…I can't hide anything from you, can I?" Anna whispered quietly.

"No. No, you can't," Kai whispered back.

"Wait…my sister's…coronation?" Anna cracked an eye open. "…Is it gonna hurt?"

"No, but I'll tell you what WILL-"

"OKAY OKAY I'M UP!" Anna hurriedly leapt out of bed. In a matter of minutes she rushed out of her room, dressed to impress in a lovely evening gown with her hair up in an intricate braid. She gasped in delight as she saw the servants opening doors and windows previously kept shut tight. Unable to contain her joy, she began to sing and dance along the hallways.

_The doors are all open_

_ That's not secure!_

_ I'm not locked in here anymore!_

_ Who knew we had eight thousand salad plaaaates?_

She walked amongst rows of servants carrying tall stacks of delicate china plates and reached out to take one.

*_Crash_!*

Everyone froze in place and whipped around to glare at her, the shattered remains of a plate at her feet.

"_Uh…seven thousand…nine hundred…ninety-nine…salad plaaaates_?" Anna sang weakly. There was a long, awkward silence. Suddenly she shoved the same servant holding the stack and shot off down another hallway.

_*CRASH CRASH CRAAASH!*_

"_Seven thousand nine hundred forty two salad plaaaaaates_!"

Once she was sure she'd escaped, she took up the song again.

_For years I've skulked in the dark_

_Now it's time to have a lark_

_Finally I can leave this stupid place!_

_There'll be actual men and women_

_Instead of servants who don't count._

_It's not like they have souls in any amount!_

Climbing over a windowsill, she stepped out onto a wooden swing, winching herself up with the rope so she could see the many ships still arriving in the harbor.

_Cuz for the FIRST time in forever-_

"Where's Princess Anna?" a servant asked from inside.

_I can sing to my content!_

"She's singing outside again!" another answered.

_For the FIRST time in forever-_

"Dammit! Go get the broom so we can shoo her down again! Does anyone have some chocolate?"

_I don't need anyone's consent!_

*_Snap_!*

Anna screeched like a wet cat as one side of the rope swing broke and she hung there by a literal thread.

"Okay done singing help me HELP ME!" The servants reached out the window and just managed to drag her in by the legs. "_Psych_!" She dodged past them and ran into the flourishing garden, still singing.

_Feeling so nervous I'm gassy_

_And I think I've got the ruuuuns!_

_Cuz for the first time in forever_

_Someone'll join in my puuuuns!_

A mother duck and her fluffy babies waddled up, and Anna knelt to scoop up the adorable ducklings.

"A-HA, I quack myself up," she snorted, then blinked. "Wait aren't we having duck for the banquet- _AUUUGH_!" The mother duck attacked in a flurry and wings and stabbing beak, hustling her babies away as Anna fell onto her butt with a squawk. "Oh yeah _fine_, I don't need you! I'll find someone!" she shouted after them. "Wait. What if I meet…THE one?" Anna paused. "…Actually anyone will do. Seriously. ANYONE." She paused again. "I'M SO LONELY."

Brushing the mud from her skirts, Anna ran back into the castle, her song resuming.

_ Tonight I'll wear a sexy dress_

_ With a pushup-bra sure to impress_

_ The picture of mature sex appeal!_

She wrapped herself up in a long hanging curtain and nearly strangled herself in the process. Struggling free, she wobbled into the dining room and winked seductively at a decorative stone bust of a man's head.

_Then I'll suddenly see a tall stranger_

_ Hope I'm not in any danger_

_ From a freak who wants me for a meal!_

The bust winked back, and Anna picked it up and danced around the room, spinning happily.

_And we'll laugh and become best friends_

_ Which is completely unrealistic_

_ Considering I am totally spastic!_

To prove her point, the bust suddenly flew from her hands and slammed into the three-tier cake, a single tear sliding down its stone cheek. Anna dashed out before she got caught, and this time entered a larger room filled with oil paintings, running around to pose with ones that depicted various romantic engagements.

_For the first time in forever_

_ I can dance, I can sing!_

_ For the first time in forever_

_ Maybe a man'll give me bling!_

_ And I know it might sound crazy-_

"PRINCESS ANNA DID YOU RUIN THE CAKE?!" Servants pounded on the door, but Anna ran over and held it shut, never stopping her song.

_ Shut up or you won't get paaaaid!_

_ Cuz for the first time in forever-_

"She broke the plates, too!"

_ I might…_

"AND the swing!"

_get…_

"Open this door RIGHT now, young lady!"

_LAAAAIIIIIID!  
_

Elsewhere in the castle, away from the singing and shouting, Elsa stood by a window, nervously watching the foreign politicians and dignitaries approach the castle on the cobbled road. Dressed like Anna in a modest evening gown with her pale braid up and a long cape trailing behind, she sighed and turned back to the table, carefully picking up a candlestick and small urn in her bare hands.

"_Don't let them in, don't let them see_," she chanted softly to herself. "_Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal…don't feel…put on a show. One wrong move and everyone will_-"

"Princess Elsa, are you alright?!" Gerda called from outside the door. "I thought I heard…_singing_!"

"NO! No, I…I was just…_reciting_!" Elsa stammered. "There's a _difference_!"

"Are you sure? It sure sounded like-"

"NO YOU WERE WRONG YOU WERE VERY VERY WRONG!" Elsa moved to put the items down, only to find them frozen firmly to her palms. She stood there for a moment, shaking her hands vigorously, before giving up with a sigh. "…Could you PLEASE fetch me some hot water, Gerda?"

"AGAIN?" the woman asked through the door. "You must LOVE tea."

"And tell the guards to open up the gate!" Elsa added, putting one foot to the candlestick and trying to pry it off physically.

"Oh, don't worry, Anna's already got that covered."

"_The GAAAATE_!" Anna sang, dashing for the towering doors. The guards swung them open as she approached, and she spun through them happily. "_For the FIRST time in-"_

The large crowd of people waiting outside the gates immediately trampled her on their way into the courtyard.

"Okay OW rude-" Anna choked out, picking herself up from the road and ducking to the side. Struggling through the mass of bodies, she finally emerged on the other end of the road, in the town square. She dusted herself off and started again, stepping into the road.

_I've had it being by myself_

_I've been alone for days!_

_So for the first time in forever_

_For the FIRST time in forever_

_I'm NOT looking both waaaaaays!_

And she was promptly hit by a horse.

ALWAYS look both ways when you're crossing the street, kids.

Anna went flying to the side, landing heavily in a small wooden boat and skittering down the wharf, then tilting over the edge towards the water. She was saved by the very horse who'd hit her, which stomped a hoof down and caught the boat before it fell.

"YOU SON OF A-" Anna looked up and caught sight of the young, handsome man riding the valiant steed. "…CLASSY LADY."

"Oh goodness! Are you okay?!" the man asked worriedly. Anna blinked.

"…I might need CPR-"

"What?"  
"I mean, no, I'm fine!" Anna sat up as the man got down from the horse and joined her in the boat, offering a hand. "T…thank you." She took it.

"I'm Prince Hans," he politely introduced himself, "of the Southern Isles."

"Oh!" Anna blushed at his bow. "I'm Princess Anna!" She curtsied back.

"_PRINCESS_?!" Hans gasped and straightened. "Oh GOD I hit the Princess with my horse they're gonna take away my REINS am I gonna be arrested for TREASON-"

"Only if you GIVE me a treason," Anna giggled. Hans smiled at her.

"Good one! I _love_ puns."

"Really?!"

The horse face-hooved in disgust, and Hans and Anna yelped as the boat started to drop again. The horse quickly stomped its hoof again and again, trying to catch the boat. Hans and Anna were thrown back and forth onto each other in what looked like various Kama-Sutra poses.

"Whoa what wait stop OKAY I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW _THAT_ ONE IS SUPPOSED TO WORK-" Anna scrambled to her feet, blushing furiously.

"I am SO sorry about this," Hans began, also standing.

"It…it's fine, I actually kinda enjoyed it- wait what?" She shook her head. "Don't worry about it, you won't get beheaded or anything, it's…just me."

"Just you?" Hans repeated, raising an eyebrow. Anna smiled and shrugged.

"Hey, I'm not fishing for compliments!" She chuckled, kicking at the boat.

"Well, I don't want you to be the one that got away!" Hans replied.

"There are plenty of fish in the sea!"

"But you're the catch of the day-"

Distant tolling bells thankfully cut them off, and Anna gasped.  
"Elsa's coronation!" she cried, scrambling out of the boat and onto the dock. "Look, I…I have to go! Um, I'll call you? Or…you'll call me? I just…bye!" She snatched her skirts up and scurried away. Hans watched her go, and a dark smirk spread across his face.

"Hook, line, AND sinker," he chuckled evilly. His horse stared at him, dead-pan, and raised its hoof. "OH YOU ARE GONNA BE _GLUE_-"

*_SPLASH_!*

-At the Coronation-

A choir sang in the town's small church, their holy song reverberating off the walls and lightening everyone's heart as Elsa stood on the altar before the Bishop. Anna was busy blowing kisses to Hans, who sat in the pews, crushed in with the rest of the crowd. Elsa lowered her head, and the Bishop ceremoniously placed a delicate golden tiara on her hair. She straightened, and reached for the golden ball and scepter on the pillow he held out.

"A-HEM."

Elsa stopped, blinking at the Bishop.

"…Bless you?"

"No, Majesty," the Bishop whispered. "Your _gloves_…"

"…They don't go with the dress?" Elsa asked.

"No, you need to take them OFF-"

"…I don't think they're THAT bad-"

"JUST DO IT!" he hissed.

"FINE!" she hissed back. Taking a deep, calming breath, she slowly removed her gloves, hands trembling as she again reached for the items. Holding them up, she turned to the crowd, who rose to stand while the Bishop droned on. Elsa saw the frost creeping over the ball and scepter and held her breath, counting to ten.

"Blah blah blah…Queen Elsa of Aren-" the Bishop got out before Elsa whirled around, whipped the items at his head, jammed her gloves back on, and whirled back around to face the audience.

"FOOD! EAT! NOW!" she hollered at them, her face pale and eyes wide.

Everyone stared at her for a long, silent moment…and then burst into cheers.

"She gets straight to the point!"

"I _like_ her!"

-At the Dinner Party-

The guests crowded the ballroom, eating, drinking, and dancing merrily to the band. Elsa stood before the throne, over-watching the party with grace and calm. Kai stomped out of the crowd, dragging Anna behind her, her mouth and arms filled with chocolates. Planting her firmly beside Elsa, he looked her straight in the eye and shook her with every word.

"…STOP…_EATING_…" he ground out, then turned and stalked away. Anna watched him go, then looked over at her estranged sister.

"…Herro," she mumbled around the chocolate, smiling awkwardly.

"Hi." Elsa smiled back, shy. Anna glanced down at the sweets in her arms.

"Um…want one?" Elsa reached out. "Wait not that one-" She stopped, reaching for another. "Not that one either it's caramel-" Elsa laughed and took a different one, munching on it as she overlooked the crowd.

"So!" she said after a moment. "_This_ is what a party looks like."

"Yeah! It's…" Anna broke off with a frown. An older couple in the back were getting totally smashed, the man grinding against the woman while she whipped her bra over her head. "…nnnnot really what I imagined…"

"I think someone spiked the punch." Elsa sniffed her drink and put it down.

"Your majesty." Kai returned, the evil old man from before at his side. "Let me introduce, the Duke of Weasletown-"

"It's WESELTON!" the Duke snapped, moustache bristling in fury. "I'll have you know that I hold my rank with great _pride_ and _dignity_-"

The drunk woman's bra came sailing over the crowd and landed on the Duke's head, draping over an eye. Elsa and Anna immediately struggled not to crack up.

"_Pfft_! Looks like you need…_more support_!" Anna snorted out. Elsa's shoulders shook and she snorted, too.

"Er-HEM!" The Duke flung the bra away and addressed the newly-crowned Queen. "As your closest partner in trade, how about a dance, my Queen?"

"Uhhh…" Elsa blinked, mind scrambling for an excuse. "I…can't. My legs are…_broken_."

"Come now! Don't be shy!" The Duke suddenly broke into a series of seizure-like dance moves, ending with a vicious high-kick that clipped Anna's jaw and sent her spinning around to land limply in his arms. "Oh-HO, this one's eager for a dance! Let's go, sweet thing!" He started to carry her away.

"NO HELP ELSA-"

"Some sacrifices must be made!" Elsa called after her, wincing inwardly. "Sorry!"

On the dance floor, the Duke pranced around Anna like some strange mating ritual, doing the moonwalk and dropping it like it's hot.

"Random question," he asked while twerking, "do YOU know the reason Arendelle closed its gates?"

"…You mean OTHER than keeping YOU out?" Anna asked wryly.

"Har HAR!" The Duke retaliated by violently dipping her with a loud popping sound.

"…OH GOD SOMETHING JUST WENT OUT."

Sometime later, Anna feebly dragged herself back to Elsa's side, her legs trailing uselessly behind her. She lay on the rug by Elsa's feet, groaning.

"…Now MY legs are broken."

"I said I was sorry!" Elsa heaved her back up on her feet and supported her.

"This is SO much fun! I wish it could be like this all the time!" Anna sighed, looking out over the crowd. "…Minus the psychotic dancing and bleeding toes, I mean."

"Me, too," Elsa agreed. But then her happy smile drained away as she remembered her dark secret. "But…it can't."

"Why not?" Anna asked in confusion.

"It just…can't!"

"…That's not much of an answer-"

"…Look, chocolate!" Elsa pointed randomly.

"I missed some?! _WHERE_?!" Anna darted away, her legs working again. Shoving through the crowd, she suddenly tripped on her own dress and fell backwards, arms pin-wheeling. A hand shot out and caught her before she fell, another loud pop echoing through the room.

"…OH THANK _GOD_ IT WENT BACK IN PLACE!" Anna looked up to find Hans holding her, a warm smile on his face. "Hans!"

"Glad I caught you!" He chuckled. Anna smiled at the pun, and he pulled her up into his arms. The two then danced around the ballroom, and the rest of the night was a blur of happiness as she and Hans talked, laughed, and ate more chocolate. Later, they sat outside on a terrace, the star-lit sky above them.

"You have HOW many brothers?" Anna asked in awe.

"_Twelve_ older brothers!" Hans replied with a laugh. "Three of them pretended I was invisible! For _two years_!"

"Wow, that's really-"

"SO I MADE _THEM_ INVISIBLE-"

"Wait what-"

"But nevermind that!" Hans quickly went on. "Tell me about YOUR family, Anna!"

"Well," Anna shrugged, "my sister pretty much did the same thing. We were close as kids, but…she shut me out, and I never knew why…" She frowned. "Was she _really_ that pissed that I peed in her bed- ahaha PUNS-"

"I'd _never_ shut you out, Anna…" Hans said softly, taking her hand.

"Hans…" Anna's touched smile melted away in confusion. "Do you…hear that?"

"Hmm?" Hans cocked his head, listening. "…Music? Where's it coming from?"

"Must…resist…urge…to…NO!" Anna stood up, gripping her skirts tight. "I'm gonna be myself! This might seem crazy, but…I'm gonna _sing_!"

"Go ahead! I _love_ crazy!" Hans put his drink down. Anna took a breath and began.

_All my life I've been fighting the urge to sing_

_And then suddenly I find someone new!_

"Yeah, TOTAL coincidence!" Hans said, laughing, and joined in.

_Cuz I've been searching one whole day for the very same thing_

_And maybe it's my penis talkin', but it really likes you!_

Anna danced onto a table and held out a hand.

_But with you, I like your face…_

Hans took her hand, singing along with her.

_But with you, I want this place…_

They spun around and began singing together.

_And it's everything I've been warned about and more!_

_Love is an unlocked doooor!_

_With you, with you!_

_With you, with you!_

_Please don't rob me poor…_

The pair of them danced all around the castle, through the empty halls, and ended up sitting on the roof, staring up at the sparkling sky high above. Hans nudged Anna after a moment, grinning.

_I mean it's stupid!_

_ Huh?_

_ You trust me like a-_

_ Loved one!_

_ …I was totally gonna say that!_

They left the roof and started across a stone bridge, hand in hand, still singing together.

_I never met someone_

_ Who won't stop singing like me…_

_ Psych! Psych again!_

_ Our vocal synchronization_

_ Has only one explanation_

_ We both have mental disabilities!_

The pair emerged at the top of the lighthouse and danced in the glow of the lamplight, their silhouette playing off the ship's sails.

_Say goodbye_

_ To all of your crap_

_ Cuz I'm taking everything and mooore!_

Finally they ended up at the waterfall behind the castle, dancing out onto the rocky overhang below the shining moon.

_Love is an unlocked doooor!_

_ What's with this movie and doooors?_

_ Don't know if I can take anymoooore!_

_ With you, with you!_

_ With you, with you!_

Hans leaned in for a kiss, but Anna pushed him back.

_Not until we're wed or I'll be a whoooore!_

"Can I say something crazy?" Hans said suddenly, getting down on one knee. "Will you marry me?"

"Can I say something even _crazier_?!" Anna asked, then screeched like a banshee and leapt on him, the two toppling backwards over the drop and landing in the water with a splash.

-Back at the Coronation Party-

"Elsa! Elsa!" Anna wound her way through the throng of party guests, tugging Hans after her. "I mean…Queeny! Hey!" She finally reached Elsa, who turned to her with a look of confusion.

"Why are you all wet-"

"Um, Elsa," Anna began, pulling Hans close, "this is Hans, my new hubbie-"

"Your WHAT?" Elsa blinked.

"Oh, sorry, I mean hubbie-to-BE-"

"That doesn't make it better-"

"Hi, sis-in-law!" Hans greeted with a charming smile. "Great to join the fam!"

"_WHAT_?!"

"We're getting _married_!" Anna burst out excitedly, hopping up and down. "And we want YOUR blessing!"

"…Aaaaand the money for the wedding," Hans added after a moment.

"Yeah we're kinda BROKE-"

"Okay, stop. Rewind. DELETE." Elsa planted her fists on her hips. "You are NOT getting married."

"What why not?!" Anna cried.

"You _can't_ marry a man you just met!"

"But…but this is a _Disney_ movie! Have you even SEEN the others?!"

"NO, and I don't CARE!"

"…But it's _true love_!" Anna protested. "…And I already let him touch my boobs a little!"

"Wait WHAT? Anna, NO, you are NOT marrying him, and that is final!" Elsa gathered herself and turned to leave.

"Queen Elsa, if I may-" Hans began.

"You MAY shut the FUCK up, Prince Hans!" Elsa snapped angrily at him. "And by the way, you MISSED A SPOT SHAVING." He gasped aloud and clutched his sideburns, expression hurt.

"_Hey_! Now you're just being a frosty bitch!" Anna cried in outrage.

"That's it! PARTY'S OVER!" Elsa bellowed, stalking away from the pair. "My sister ruined it! Everyone OUT!"

"I did NOT!" Anna went after her. "YOU did!" She lunged for her sister and accidently snatched a glove off one of her hands.

"Give that back!" Elsa struggled to control her panic.

"Nu-uh!" Anna held it above her head tauntingly. "Not until I can get married!"

"Oh well then you can KEEP it!" Elsa turned away and continued towards the doors. Anna clutched the glove and stomped a foot in frustration.

"Oh yeah?! Well…well…" She cast about for a comeback. "…THAT DRESS MAKES YOU LOOK _FAT_!"

"Take that BACK!" Elsa whirled around in fury and lashed a hand out. A wave of ice sprayed across the floor in an arc, sharp icicles like daggers jutting out. Anna froze, a needle-sharp tip touching her throat.

"…But the top kinda evens it out so actually you look REALLY GREAT-"

Everyone gasped in fear, a palpable silence filling the room as they backed away.

"_Sorcery_!" the Duke of Weselton hissed out, his eyes popping. "I KNEW there was something you were hi- what the DEVIL are you DOING stop!" One of his lackeys had snapped off an icicle and was chewing on it.

"What?" he asked, puzzled. "I was _thirsty_."

"You have NO idea where that's- you TOO?!"

The Duke's other lackey was breaking bits of icicle into his drink.

"…I was out of ice!"

"YOU _FOOLS_!"

"…Elsa?" Anna said uncertainly. Elsa snapped out of her horrified shock and dashed for the doors, throwing them open and rushing away. She burst out into the courtyard, where locals were crowded to greet her.

"There she is!" someone cried from the back. "Let's GIVE it to her!"

"_Auuuugh_!" Elsa shrieked and dodged through them, trying to escape.

"…Guess she doesn't want these flowers." The man who'd yelled stood with several others, all holding large bouquets. "And they smell so nice, too."

Elsa found herself stuck in the middle of the crowd and backed away in fear as they drew close. Her bare hand touched one of the stone fountains, and immediately the water froze, forming a beautiful, flowing ice sculpture that glistened in the moonlight.

"_OooOOOoooh_!" Everyone gasped in awe, amazed at the sight.

"NO! It's EVIL!" the Duke shrieked from the doorway. "You're supposed to be AFRAID!"

"Oh." Everyone blinked. "_AUUUUUGGGH_!" Chaos ensued, with everyone screaming and pushing to get away from the new Queen. Elsa clenched her fists and searched for a place to run.

"Elsa, wait!" Anna dashed out of the doors with Hans, and together they followed Elsa as she fled down a stairway to the fjord. She hesitated at the water's edge, afraid. "I'll give you back your glove now!" Hearing Anna's approach spurred her on. She picked up her skirts and ran across the fjord, freezing the water to ice with every step.

"Elsa, STOP!" Anna moved to follow, placing a foot on the ice.

"No, Anna!" Hans cried, grabbing her arm. Across the frozen fjord, Elsa disappeared into the woods on the other side.

"I have to follow her!" Anna begged, pulling away.

"No, it won't support you-"

"But it supported her, why wouldn't it support-" Anna stopped, narrowing her eyes dangerously. "…Are you saying I'm fat?"

"What, no, I just…look, chocolate!" Hans pulled out a sweet from his pocket to distract her. A light snow began to fall from the night sky, and the ice from Elsa's footsteps spread across the fjord, freezing the boats in place as tightly as a lock.

"…Guess we're calling a snowday?" Anna said weakly as she watched the flakes drift down, her mouth smeared with chocolate.

-End of Part 1-

Disclaimer: Still don't own Frozen!

Author's Note: Wow. WOW. That was fun. That was REALLY fun. One of the hardest/most enjoyable things to do was messing with the songs, which I think came out pretty good. I plan on writing two more parts to make this a three-part fic, so definitely expect more in the future! It might be a couple weeks before I get the next part out, but trust me, I certainly plan to finish this! Hope you all enjoyed reading! Review, please! Oh, and any snow/ice-related puns for Anna to use are welcome!


	2. Part 2

Author's Note: Aaaaaand here's the next part! More Anna and her puns, Elsa being cool, new characters to mess with, screwed-up songs, and more! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Frozen!

Frostbite: A Frozen Parody

Part 2

Anna and Hans slowly walked back up the steps from the edge of the frozen fjord, snowflakes drifting down from the night sky above. Anna shivered in the cold breeze and rubbed her arms, worry over Elsa consuming her.

"Are you okay?" Hans asked gently as they reached the upper courtyard.

"Well, _gee_, lemme _think_," Anna drawled, rolling her eyes, "my one and only sister in the _whole_ world just got branded a monster and ran off to GOD knows where leaving ME all alone so I'm doing honky-dory-OF COURSE I'M NOT ALRIGHT YOU FRIGGING _IDIOT_!" She paused after the explosion, blinking rapidly. "…We just had our first fight."

"Awww." Hans tipped his head and smiled at her. They shared a tender hug.

"Look, it's snowing! In _summer_!" A high-pitched shriek caught their attention. The Duke of Weselton was dodging about in the courtyard, hissing and flinching away from the falling snowflakes. "Queen Elsa has CURSED this land!"

"Oh, I'll show YOU a curse!" Anna started for him. "_FUHHH_-"

"Anna NO-" Hans clapped a hand over her mouth just in time.

"_You_!" The Duke scuttled behind his lackeys and glared at her. "Is there sorcery in you, too?!"

"What? No! I'm normal!" Anna snapped.

"That's right, she's _completely_ ordinary!" Hans backed her up, placing a hand on her shoulder.

"Yes, that's right, I am-"

"In fact, she's downright BORING!"

"…Yeah, I guess- "

"There is absolutely NOTHING special about her-"

"Okay, Hans, seriously, ENOUGH." Anna grabbed hold of his collar and gave him a dangerous look. "Or I'm gonna punch you…LOVINGLY." She turned back to the Duke. "And my sister's NOT a monster! She just…has a cold personality!"

"This is hardly the time for puns!" The Duke snorted through his moustaches.

"It is ALWAYS time for puns!" Anna cried indignantly. "You take that back!" She got hold on herself and shook her head. "Anyway, this is _my_ fault, so _I'll_ go after her! Bring me my horse!"

"Anna, you can't!" Hans protested. "It's too dangerous!"

"It'll be okay!" Anna took the reins of her white horse and gave him a warm smile. "Elsa would NEVER hurt me."

"Buh-"

"I leave you in charge."

"_Someone's_ gotta do it!" Hans immediately threw her up onto the horse like a sack of potatoes and gave the animal's rear a sharp slap. As it whinnied and galloped out of the town, Hans turned to address the frightened townsfolk crowding behind him. "Okay, my first decree as ruler is that Arendelle will now be called 'HANSendelle'-"

-On North Mountain-

Elsa trudged through the deep snow on North Mountain, the icy wind flinging her long cloak about and howling in her ears. She huddled in on herself, barely noticing the lady sitting at the piano in the snow near her as she began to play. Glancing up at the dark star-lit sky, Elsa let out a sigh, gave in, and started to sing.

_Freezin' my tits in this snowy shit_

_ Not another soul to be seen._

_ A kingdom of resignation_

_ I guess I'll be its Queen._

_ Got nothing better to do since I ran away to hide_

_ Better than staying home, that's certified…_

_ Don't let them in, don't let them see_

_ Be the good girl my father said to be._

_ Conceal, don't feel, so tired of that!_

_ Well fuck THAAAAT!_

Elsa tore off her remaining glove and flung it to the wind, spinning around to make eddies of snow and ice with gestures.

_ Let it snow! Let it snow!_

_ Won't deny myself anymore!_

_ Let it snow! Let it snow!_

_ Flip 'em off and slam that door!_

With a twirl of her fingers, she created Olaf, the flesh-eating snowman from her youth. She gave it a fond smile and kept walking.

_ I don't care what they're going to say!_

_ Let the rumors fly…_

_ Haters gonna hate on me anyway._

She unclipped her cloak and let the wind take it, the long piece of fabric whipping in the breeze and smacking the piano-player in the face. Elsa ran farther up the mountainside, turning back to look down in the direction of Arendelle.

_ Wish that they could see me here_

_ So I could moon them from afar._

_ The people who all feared me_

_ Are now under my radar!_

She stopped as she reached a crevice, the drop beneath her black. With a mischievous smirk, Elsa waved both hands and created a long icy stairway that stretched from one snowy cliff to another.

_ Time to do what I want to do_

_ It's all about me now, that's new!_

_ I'll break the law, no rules for me!_

_ I'm FREEE-_

Placing a foot on the bottom stair, she immediately slipped, cracked her chin, and bit her tongue. Swearing under her breath, she clung tight to the railing and struggled to climb the icy stairs, her feet skidding out from under her with every step. It didn't stop her from singing, though.

_ You can go! You can go!_

_ I wave Arendelle goodbye!_

_ You can go! You can go!_

_ You only made me cry!_

Finally she reached the other side of the crevice, a snowy clearing, and she raised her skirts and stomped a foot down, hard.

_ Here I'll stand, try and make me leave!_

_ Time to make a crib…_

A wide floor and pillars rose from the snow, connecting and expanding as a beautiful ice palace was born. Elsa stood in the heart of it, watching the walls rise around her and smiling delightedly.

_ My Feng Shui powers fill every room and hall_

_ My artistic soul creates more sure to enthrall!_

Steeples of a roof stretched out above, and a complicated crystalline chandelier dripped down from the ceiling, the final touch to Elsa's palace of ice.

_ And one thought cracks apart like a frozen egg_

_ I'm never going back, not even if they beg! _

Elsa seized the golden tiara from her head and flung it away, pulling her pale braid down and mussing up her hair. A team of snowwomen skated out and spun around her, giving Elsa a complete makeover from head to toe.

_ No more show! No more show!_

_ Time for a whole new look!_

_ No more show! No more show!_

_ That modest girl you mistook!_

As the team finished and skated away, Elsa strode out onto the upper balcony in a slinky blue ice-dress with a long train, a total bombshell. She smirked at the sun rising from the distant horizon and quirked an eyebrow.

_ Here I stand, and all I can say_

_ Is let the rumors FLYYYYY!_

_ Haters gonna hate on me anyway._

She spun on her heel and walked back inside, the doors slamming shut behind her. Elsa smiled confidently at her glorious ice palace…the palace with no food. Or anything to do. Not to mention she'd just SUNG A SONG.

"…I've made a horrible mistake."

-In the Forest Far Below-

Anna rode her horse through the deep snow of the forest, shivering in her cloak. The sun was high in the sky above but offered little warmth. She glanced around at the snow-covered trees, her breath misting around her.

"Elsa?" she called out hesitantly. "It's me, Anna! Your sister who didn't MEAN to bitch you out in front of everyone and make you freeze summer? I…I'm sorry!" She paused for a moment. "Actually I'm not THAT sorry I mean you WERE being a LITTLE mean to me and I was just SO sick of being alone and then when I FINALLY found someone you just HAD to ruin it oh God I'm so upset I might have to SING-"

Suddenly her horse gave an annoyed whinny and reared up, dumping her off. Snorting in disgust, it dashed away back down the mountain so it wouldn't have to hear her complain anymore. Anna squawked indignantly and struggled upright in the freezing powder.

"Wait no please don't leave me you stupid horse I'll give you oats I WILL MOUNT YOUR HEAD ABOVE MY BEDROOM DOOR-" The animal was long gone. Forcing herself to take a deep breath, Anna got to her feet unsteadily. "This…this is okay. I can DO this." She reached out to gain her balance and touched a tree trunk with the utmost delicacy.

*_WHUMP_!*

Fifty pounds of snow immediately fell from the tree's branches, smothering her completely.

"…I was wrong," she stated, her voice muffled. "This is NOT okay. I can NOT do this."

After digging herself free, Anna wandered the frozen hills for hours, teeth chattering, still searching for Elsa in vain. As evening approached, her morale plummeted along with the temperature, and she muttered to herself as she fought her way through waist-high drifts.

"_Ugh_! This is horrible! All this stupid snow! I don't think there's _any_ part of me that ISN'T frozen- _WAAAAUGH_!" The snow beneath her feet gave way, and she tumbled end-over-end down a hill to land butt-first in an icy steam. She sat there, not moving, jaw hanging open and eyes wide with horror.

"…I WAS WRONG AGAIN," she said in ragged whisper. "MY _VAGINA_ IS FROZEN."

Groaning, Anna barely managed to get to her feet again, skirts freezing in place. She looked up and gasped at the welcoming sight of a warmly lit cabin, a thin trail of smoke trickling from the stone chimney. She hobbled towards it as quickly as she could and cracked her forehead on the low-hanging sign.

"_Ow_! Mother-" Anna bit back a swear as she read the sign aloud. "'Wandering Oaken's Trading Post'…ooh, 'and sauna'! Just what my frozen privates need!" Fighting with her frozen skirts, she clawed the front door open and all but fell inside. Blessed warmth greeted her, and she glanced around at the many wooden shelves filled with random items and knick-knacks-

"Hoo hoo!"

Anna stopped, blinking.

"…Who…who…?" she returned cautiously, looking for the strange sound's source. Finally she turned and looked at the front desk. "Oh! You must be Oaken?"

"Hoo hoo!" A large man with muttonchops sat there, wearing a green cap and sweater and what looked to be a pair of Lederhosen. He smiled and waved his hands at Anna, speaking in a thick accent. "Big summer blow-out! Half off swimming suits, thongs, and a sunbalm of my own invention, certified organic! Ya?"

"Oh, wow, that sounds like a _great_ deal," Anna gushed, walking to the desk, "…if it were actually _summer_."

"…There is no need for this hurtfulness, ya," Oaken said tearfully.

"You're right, I'm sorry," Anna sighed. "It's kinda hard not to be cold to people when your VAGINA IS FROZEN."

"I know what you are meaning, ya," Oaken said, nodding in sympathy.

"Yeah, I- WAIT WHAT." Anna rubbed her eyes. "Nevermind. Just…you got any winter clothes? Mine are…well…" She cracked off a piece of her skirt and scowled at it.

"That would be in our winter department," Oaken answered, gesturing to the back. Anna turned to look.

The department was dismally empty, a small stack of clothing to one side and a sleeping hobo huddled in the other. A tumbleweed rolled through after a moment.

"…I will _never_ sell that tumbleweed," Oaken said sadly, shaking his head.

"So!" Anna said awkwardly, grabbing what little clothing there was and returning to the front desk. "Has anyone else come by-"

*_WHAM_!*

The door slammed open with a crash, and a tall figure completely covered in snow and frost stomped in, snorting and shrugging like a beast. A high-pitched squeal of terror filled the air at his sudden entrance.

"Uhhh…" Anna stared up at Oaken as the large man stood up on the desk, quivering in terror. "…You okay there?"

"…I…am being okay," Oaken replied in a shaky voice, slowly climbing back down, eyes glued to the newcomer. "Just…startled, ya?" He cleared his throat. "Hoo hoo! Welcome! Big summer blowout!"

The frost-coated figure approached the front desk, breathing noisily through a scarf. Anna nervously backed away as her personal space was very much violated.

"…Carrots," the man said after a moment. Anna stared up at him blankly.

"…14."

"What?"

"What? I thought you meant my necklace-"

"NO! The carrots! _Behind_ you!"

"Oh! OHH!" Anna quickly ducked to the side. "Well you were either looking at that or my boobs so I just thought-"

"Please stop talking." The man snatched up the carrots and tossed them onto the desk.

"Wherever could this snow be coming from?" Oaken said conversationally as the stranger moved towards the winter department. Anna blinked.

"Well, see, snow is precipitation in the form of flakes of crystalline water ice that falls from-" she began.

"It's coming from North Mountain," the man cut her off. He nudged the hobo aside and picked up a long line of rope and a small ice pick, bringing them to the desk as well and laying them out alongside the carrots. Oaken stared at the three items in deep concern.

"…That is the strangest combination of things I have ever been seeing anyone buy." He looked the man in the eyes. "…Is the carrots a last supper, and the rope and pick for-"

"OhmiGod NO-" The man yanked down his scarf, revealing himself to be Kristoff. He pointed out the window to a heavily laden sled. "I sell _ice_ for a living!"

"_Oooh_, talk about a _slippery_ market to get a handle on in this weather!" Anna snorted at his side. "It must be hard to…_break the ice_ with your customers! You need real _snowballs_ to go up against the competition!"

Kristoff stared at her blandly.

"…You done?"

"_Hnnnggghhhh_…just one more," she begged, nearly hopping in place. Kristoff sighed.

"FINE."

"I bet people are real _ice-holes_ about it! _AHAHAHA_!" Anna doubled over laughing, clutching her stomach. "Oh God, I'm sorry, you were just _asking_ for it-"

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." Kristoff rolled his eyes. "Now move aside so I can deal with THIS ice-hole here."

"HOO. _HOO_." Oaken slowly rose to his full formidable height, face darkening as he towered over Kristoff, who gulped audibly.

Half a second later, Kristoff was sailing through the air as Oaken hurled him out of store, landing hard in a pile of snow. Oaken nodded firmly and slammed the door shut behind him.

"Oh…oh _yeah_?!" Kristoff shouted, sitting up. "Get back out here, I'll-" The door cracked open. "OH GOD NO I'M SORRY PLEASE DON'T HURT ME-" The door slammed shut.

Kristoff sighed in relief and relaxed. His faithful reindeer Sven ambled over, sniffing curiously at his pockets.

"No, Sven, I didn't get your carrots," Kristoff told him. "The owner was a _complete_-" The door cracked open again. "…_DELIGHT_." Aaaand slammed shut again. "…Get in the shed, Sven, don't argue JUST GET IN THE SHED-"

Back inside the trading post, Oaken took his seat behind the front desk again and let out a sigh.

"I am sorry for this violence," he told Anna, and took out a jar of watery fish-heads. "I will have some lutefisk, for good feelings and the diarrhea. Now, just the clothes, ya?"

"Ummm…" Anna hesitated, biting her lip while she considered. "I'll take the tumbleweed, too."

"Hoo hoo!" Oaken hooted happily, tapping his fingers together.

-In the Shed-

Kristoff and Sven lay in several piles of hay, the shed dimly lit by a single lantern. Kristoff strummed a guitar, smiling over at Sven as he began to sing.

_Reindeer are cooler than people._

_ Sven, don't you think that's so?_

He switched to the deep reindeer voice for the next verse.

_Dawg, I'm too cool for school you fool_

_ All people are lame, 'cept my bro._

Kristoff chuckled and went back to his normal voice.

_But reindeer smell worse than people._

_ Sven, don't you think I'm-_

*_FRRRT_!*

"_Blagh_!" Kristoff broke off, gagging, and swatted Sven on the nose. "You did that on _purpose_!" Clearing his throat, he went on again in his reindeer voice, switching back and forth to his own.

_Now it's true, for both me AND you!_

_ You got me! Now let's hit the hay._

_ G'night! Hope the smell goes awaaaayyy…_

Kristoff lowered the guitar and lay back against the warm hay, closing his eyes and-

"WERE YOU _SINGING_?!" Anna suddenly burst in, dressed in all-new winter clothes and cap, her hair in two braids again and eyes wide with excitement.

"What NO-" Kristoff sat bolt-upright and hurriedly hid the guitar in the hay. "That… that'd just be…_weird_!"

"…Weirder than talking in a reindeer voice?"

"…You heard that?" Kristoff asked in a quiet voice.

"Well, yeah, you weren't exactly being _quiet_- oh GOD what DIED in here?" Anna choked and waved a hand in the air. "Gah, it's making my _eyes_ sting!"

"What do you want?" Kristoff asked impatiently.

"I want you to take me to North Mountain," Anna told him while plugging her nose. Kristoff scowled at her.

"Well, gee, I dunno…first I have to consult my business partner. What do you think, Sven?" He turned to the reindeer, who was chewing on hay and staring into space. "Hmm? What's that? Yeah, that's true. I didn't think of- _what_? Well, you got a point. Okay, you talked me into it." He lay back down and closed his eyes again. "Sven says NO."

A cloth bag suddenly flew through the air and dropped heavily onto his crotch. Kristoff doubled over in pain.

"ASK. _AGAIN_." Anna stood there, hands on her hips. Recovering his breath, Kristoff opened the bag and peeked inside.

"…Why is there a tumbleweed in here?"

"Oh! Sorry! Wrong bag!" Anna snatched it back and handed him another bag, in which he discovered the rope and pick he'd tried to purchase.

"…Why would you even _buy_ a tumbleweed-"

"Because I _wanted_ to!" Anna cut him off. "Don't question your Princess! Just…take me up the mountain!"

"_Fine_," Kristoff agreed reluctantly. "But you forgot the carrots for-"

"Huh what?" Anna was already beside Sven, feeding carrots to the delighted reindeer. "You say something?" Kristoff scowled at her.

"…Just get in the sled."

-Later-

Kristoff and Anna shot up the mountain on a large sled pulled by Sven, a lantern in the front illuminating their way. Night had fallen, and they dodged around trees and piles of snow in the dark, making their way up and up.

"You are _so_ speeding!" Anna complained, watching the trees whip past. "Do you want to get pulled over?"

"By who, the abominable snowman?" Kristoff snorted at her. "_Chill_."

"_Not_ funny," Anna sniffed back, putting her feet up on the sled's front. "It only works when _I_ do it."

"Hey, watch it!" Kristoff let go of the reins to push Anna's feet back down. "I just got it detailed!"

"…With flames," Anna observed. "How ironic."

"I _will_ push you off," Kristoff told her with a frown.

They rode in silence for a little while, listening to Sven's heavy panting and the swish of snow beneath the sled's runners.

"So," Kristoff finally said, glancing over at Anna. "What pissed off the Queen?"

"Uh…right here." Anna sheepishly raised a hand and blushed.

"What'd you DO?" Kristoff eyed her. "Crack too many puns?"

"Again, NOT funny," Anna sniffed again. "And it wasn't ALL my fault. It's simple, really. See, I had met my soul mate of ONE day and we were gonna get married and live happily ever after with our millions of babies but she just would NOT-"

"Okay, wait!" Kristoff interrupted, turning towards her in disbelief. "You got engaged to someone you JUST met?"

"…Yeah," Anna answered hesitantly.

"That DAY?"

"Uh…yeah."

"Doesn't that seem a little…DUMB to you?"

"Well…" Anna sat there, blinking. "…When you say it like that…maybe a little."

"Come on!" Kristoff scoffed. "Even _I_ know that much, and I _HATE_ people! Didn't your parents ever teach you about strangers?"

Anna stared over at him, wild-eyed and pale.

"_Yyyyes_, they did," she said slowly, inching away from him, then suddenly shrieked at the top of her lungs. "HEEEELP! I do not KNOW this person! Stranger danger!"

"Whoa what the hell-"

"BAD TOUCH, _BAD_ TOUCH!"

"I'm not even touching you!"

"_RAAAAAPE_-"

"Okay, now you're just being _ridiculous_!" Kristoff shook his head. "You don't even know this guy! And you were gonna marry him?! What if he's a bad lay?"

"ExCUSE me?!" Anna's eyes narrowed dangerously. "He's a _Prince_!"

"Oh, so, what, that means he's automatically amazing in the sack?"

"Yeah, it does!" Anna crossed her arms. "Anyway, it doesn't matter! It's TRUE LOVE!"

"…I think you mean TWO love because you knew him for TWO hours-"

"I KNEW HIM FOR _THREE_!" Anna glared at him. "What do YOU know about love?!"

"Well…nothing," Kristoff admitted, shrugging. "But I have friends who do."

"…Are they reindeer, too?" Anna asked after a long moment.

"No!"

"Who then? Is it Miss Cleo? Can you give me her number?"

Suddenly Sven slowed, panting for breath as the sled slid to a stop. His eyes widened and he glanced nervously around at the darkness surrounding them, ears pricking up.

"_Shh_!" Kristoff shushed Anna, sensing Sven's fear. Anna gasped.

"Hey_!_ I am a Princess! No-one shushes me! _I_ shush!"

"_SHH_!"

"I will have you charged with unlawful SHUSHERY-"

Kristoff leaned over and clapped a hand over her mouth.

"Shut up," he hissed in a low whisper, "or I'll use you for _bait_!"

"For WHAT?" Anna whispered back, glaring.

"THEM." Kristoff pointed at the darkness behind them. Anna turned to look, and froze at the sight of glowing eyes, accompanied by low growls. Wolves slunk out of the shadows, a whole pack of them.

"Okay. Shutting up."

"Go, Sven!" Kristoff cried, snapping the reins. "Floor it!" Sven obeyed, taking off in a spray of snow and hauling the sled as fast as he could. The pack of wolves snarled and gave chase, closing in from behind.

"OhmiGod what're we gonna _do_?!" Anna squealed in fear, clinging tight to her seat. "We're gonna be dog-food! You're Kibbles and I'm the Bits!"

"Stay calm," Kristoff told her, concentrating on steering. "I have _everything_ under con-"

A wolf suddenly leapt onto the sled and seized his arm in a mouthful of sharp teeth.

"OH SHIT WE'RE SCREWED-" Kristoff was yanked off the sled by the beast and barely managed to catch a trailing line of rope. He was dragged through the snow behind the sled as more wolves snapped at him.

"Chris!" Anna cried in dismay, standing up.

"That's NOT my name!" Kristoff shot back, kicking at the wolves.

"…Kristen?"

"That's a _girl's_ name!"

"…Christopherson?"

"That's not even CLOSE! It's _Kristoff_!"

"I would have gotten it eventually!" Anna snatched up a torch, lit it from the lantern, and set a blanket roll in the back of the sled on fire. Picking it up, she hurled the flaming roll at the wolves, knocking them away long enough to haul Kristoff back onto the sled. "Wow that thing went up like a lit match! What was it, soaked in gasoline?!"

"No!" Kristoff protested, grabbing the reins. "…Farts, mostly."

"Okay EW-"

"Sven might have pissed on it, too-"

"OMIGOD _EWWW_-" Anna glanced ahead and gasped. The sled was rapidly approaching a drop-off, the gap to the other side immense.

"Flight mode, Sven!" Kristoff tossed Anna onto the reindeer's back, slashing the reins with a knife and setting him loose. Sven leapt over the gap, sailing through the air, and Kristoff jumped from the sled as it flew off the edge. The wolves skidded to a halt at the drop-off, growling in disappointment as their prey escaped. Sven landed safely on the other side, Kristoff landing several feet back, dangerously close to the edge. Lifting his head, he peeked down over the drop in time to see his precious sled explode in a ball of flames.

"…But I just pimped it out," he whimpered in despair. Suddenly the snow beneath him shifted, and he began to slide towards the drop. "NonoNONO-"

"Kristoff! Catch!" The ice pick, tied to the rope, came spinning down and stabbed right into his hand.

"_AUUUUGH_!"

"Oh God sorry! My aim was off!" Anna and Sven worked together, hauling at the rope to drag Kristoff to safety. Once he was out of danger, Anna also peered over the edge to see the burning wreckage. "What, did you fart all over the sled, too?!"

"No!" Kristoff shot back, lying on his belly in the snow. She waited. "…A little." She waited some more. "YES."

"You two. _Are disgusting_." Anna frowned. "Oh no wait my tumbleweed…"

Kristoff just sighed and let his head drop.

"I'll replace your sled," Anna told him gently. "Even the flame detailing! Though it's _totally_ a bad choice." Kristoff didn't answer, face-down in the snow. "…I'll just…give you a minute." Kristoff let out a muffled scream. "…Or ten." She hurried away into the trees, giving him his privacy.

"_Uggghhh_…" Kristoff groaned and sat up, looking over at Sven, who grunted at him. "Okay, I do NOT want to help her anymore. Or anyone else. EVER." He switched to the reindeer voice. "_But she'll DIE without you_!" He frowned and went back to normal. "…I actually kinda WANT her to die." And the reindeer voice again. "_But you won't get your new sled if she's dead_!" And back to normal again. "…Yeah, you're right. I'll probably get five to ten. FINE. But I am ASKING for spinners." He stood up, brushing the snow off his front. "Wait!" He called to Anna. "Apparently I'm a masochist because I'm still helping you."

"_Yaaay_!" Anna ran back, clapping her hands in delight. "Oh wait. I mean…boo! You should probably get help for that."

Kristoff just sighed again and started walking.

-Several Hours Later-

Dawn broke over the snowy mountains, the sun rising just over the peaks to light the way for Kristoff and Anna as they climbed ever onward. Anna looked back over her shoulder to see Arendelle down in the distance, dusted with snow, the fjord a shining sheet of ice.

"It's completely frozen," Kristoff murmured beside her.

"It's okay," Anna said, patting his arm. "Elsa will thaw it and-"

"Oh WOW a town made of ice would be SO COOL no pun intended."

Anna stared at Kristoff blankly.

"…You seriously do need help." She shook her head and turned away. "Now, which way to North Mountain?" She looked up to seem an enormous, white mount towering above them ominously, obscured by clouds. "…Please tell me that's not-"

"It's not," Kristoff told her.

"Oh thank GOD-"

"Just kidding it is."

"…I hate you."

"I hate you, too. Now let's go."

The two continued on with Sven trailing behind, and entered a beautifully frozen area, complete with a waterfall locked in a solid stream and trees with dripping, icy dewdrops dangling from the branches. Sven ran happily amongst the drops, jangling them with his antlers as Anna and Kristoff stared in spellbound wonder.

"Wow…" Anna breathed out, "I kinda see your point about the ice thing…"

"Yeah," Kristoff agreed. "It's…it's…"

"Magnificent? Splendiferous?" A voice from their feet asked. "Resplendent?" Anna and Kristoff looked down to find a short, squat snowman smiling up at them, a thesaurus in its twiggy hands. "Ooh, how about this one, guys? _Pulchritudinous_!"

"_DIE_, SNOW DEVIL!" Anna shrieked at the top of her lungs and kicked out, booting the snowman's head clean off. Kristoff caught the head and stared at Anna in horror.

"Holy shit is that how you _always_ greet strangers?" He asked incredulously.

"Only the ones who startle me!" Anna snapped back. "Or piss me off!"

"So…everyone?" Kristoff tossed the snowman back its head, which it accidently put back on upside-down, then frowned at the pair in confusion.

"Wait why are you two _upside down_?" It asked. "Oh no am I high on blue ice again?"

"…Was that a Breaking Bad reference?" Kristoff said.

"No, it was a PUN!" Anna gaped down at him. "I LOVE him!"

"But you just MET him!"

"I don't care!"

"How many times do we have to have this conversation?!"

"Oh, hush!" Anna knelt and fixed the snowman's head. "There, better?"

"Yes, very much so!" The snowman beamed up at her. "Thank you, I-" Anna suddenly shoved a carrot into its face, hard. "OH GOD WORSE _WORSE_!"

"Oh, sorry! I was trying to help!" Anna winced.

"…Yeah that's usually what happens," Kristoff observed.

"Hi, I'm Olaf," the snowman introduced himself, "and I like warm hugs!"

"…Olaf?" Anna stared at him with dawning recognition, old memories of her childhood resurfacing- "_AUUGH_!" She screamed and threw herself backwards, scrambling away. "I don't have tender child flesh anymore! Please don't eat me!"

"…I'm not even gonna ask," Kristoff said quietly.

"So! Who are you?" Olaf asked. Anna had calmed down enough to reply.

"Well…" she glanced over at the others. "The cute one is my friend, and the ugly one is Kristoff." Kristoff made a face at her. She ignored him and turned back to Olaf in wonder. "Did Elsa…build you?"

"Yeah, why?" Olaf asked.

"Do you know where she is? Can you show us the way?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I think it's broken," Kristoff said, reaching over to snap off one of Olaf's arms.

"_AUUUUUUUGH_!" Olaf immediately let out a blood-curling shriek, clawing at his shoulder. Kristoff froze in place, his mouth open and eyes wide in horror. "_OH MY GOD YOU SICK BASTARD WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT THE PAIN WHY DEAR GOD WHYYYYYY_- just kidding, I don't feel pain!" He calmly took his arm from Kristoff and stuck it back on. Kristoff didn't move, still gaping in shock. "…Oops, now I think _he's_ broken," Olaf whispered to Anna.

"Olaf!" Anna snapped her fingers. "Focus! We need to find Elsa so she can bring back summer!"

"_SUMMER_?" Olaf's eyes filled with delight and wonder. "Oh, I just LOVE the idea of summer! The sun! The heat! The-"

"Are you kidding me?" Kristoff interrupted, finally snapping out of it.

"Shush!" Anna said. "I sense a SONG coming up!"

"No really is he serious right now-"

"Summer…I just know it'll be amazing!" Olaf closed his eyes, letting his imagination take hold. He found himself in a sunlit meadow of green grass, flowers all around. He plucked one up and began to sing.

_Bees'll buzz, kids'll blow dandelion fuzz _

_And I'll be doin' whatever snow does _

_In summerrrrr!_

"…It melts." Kristoff said after a moment.

"Kristoff, NO!" Anna gasped beside him.

Olaf wasn't listening, now imagining himself lounging on a sandy beach by the dazzling ocean, the sun beating down from the clear sky high above. 

_A drink in my hand _

_My snow up against the burning sand _

_Prob'ly getting gorgeously tanned _

_In summerrrrr!_

"No, it MELTS," Kristoff repeated. "You're gonna MELT."

"Stop it, Kristoff!" Anna smacked his shoulder.

_I'll finally see a summer breeze, blow away a winter storm _

_And find out what happens to solid water when it gets warm! _

"It _liquefies_!" Kristoff shouted.

"Don't listen to him, Olaf!" Anna shouted over him. 

_And I can't wait to see _

_What my buddies all think of me!_

_Just imagine how much cooler I'll be _

_In summerrrrr! _

"You WON'T be you'll MELT!"

"Just keep singing!"

Now Olaf sat in a bubbling hot-tub, sharing a hot chocolate with some sexy snowwomen. 

_The hot and the cold are both so intense! _

_Put 'em together - it just makes sense! _

"NO IT _DOESN'T_!"

"KRISTOFF!"

In his head, Olaf skipped merrily along a grassy hill path, a small pool of water in his way.

_Winter's a good time to stay in and cuddle _

_But put me in summer and I'll be a-_

"_**PUDDLE**_!"

…_happy snowman! _

"_**GODAMMIT**_!"

Olaf lay on a green hill, lazily watching the clouds drift by. 

_When life gets rough, I like to hold on to my dream!_

_Relaxing in the summer sun, just lettin' off steam! _

"BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING _MELTING_!" 

_Oh the sky would be blue_

_And you guys'll be there too _

_When I finally do what frozen things do _

_In summerrrrr!_

"_**AAAAAHHHHHH**_!"

"_In_ _SUMMERRRRRRRRR_!" Olaf finished up, Anna clapping enthusiastically and cheering. "Thank you, thank you!" He paused. "…What's wrong with him?"

Kristoff was beating his head against a nearby tree, the dewdrops jangling with every blow.

"He's just…jealous of your singing talent!" Anna lied hurriedly.

"Most people are. Well, anyway! Come on, North Mountain's this way!" Olaf took her hand and dragged her off. "We're going where SNOW man has gone before! Let's go bring back summer!"

"Oh _God_ not another one," Kristoff groaned in despair, covering his bloody face with his hands. Sven grunted and gently nudged him after them.

-Back in Arendelle-

A thick layer of snow and ice now covered most of the town of Arendelle, the cold settling in like an annoying Aunt or Mother in Law who just would not leave. The townsfolk had resorted to battling to the death for firewood, sometimes using the frozen corpses of their neighbors for kindling. Hans walked amongst the shivering locals, a pile of cloaks in his arms.

"Anyone in need of a cloak?" He called out. An elderly woman took one and smiled with gratitude.

"Arendelle is indebted to you," she said. Hans smiled back.

"It's HANSendelle now, and I will be _cashing in that debt soon enough_-"

"Pardon?"

"I said there's hot food and drinks in the castle!" He quickly turned away.

"Prince Hans!" Hans stopped short and frowned as the Duke of Weselton slithered up to him, lackeys trailing behind as always. The skinny man's teeth were chattering beneath his bristling moustache. "I have yet to receive a cloak!"

"…I'm afraid we're all out of cloaks," Hans said flatly. The Duke frowned at him.

"…You're holding some in your arms!"

Hans immediately dumped the cloaks in a nearby burning barrel, his expression blank.

"…_All_ out of cloaks," he repeated.

"You…you…!" The Duke sputtered. "Don't you realize your woman is most probably conspiring with that wicked sorceress to destroy us all?!"

"Oh, _that's_ it." Hans' eyes narrowed dangerously. "You did NOT just diss my girl." He stormed up to the Duke and stabbed a finger into his chest. "Princess Anna left ME in charge, and I will not hesitate to protect Hansendelle from treason!" The Duke paled. "OR bad fashion sense!" The Duke went pop-eyed and opened his mouth, a sharp whinny piercing the air. Hans stared at him in shock. "…Wow you must be really upset-"

Anna's horse came galloping into the courtyard, snorting and huffing with exertion. Hans gasped at the sight of the animal.

"Anna's in trouble! She needs help!" He turned to the townsfolk. "Any volunteers to go with me?!" No-one answered, shifting their feet awkwardly. "…Volunteers get hot chocolate with marshmallows." A dozen hands shot up.

"I volunteer my men as well!" The Duke called, beckoning his lackeys close.

"Yay! Hot chocolate!" The first one squealed.

"Marshmallows!" The other one joined in.

"HUSH!" The Duke lowered his voice to a soft, menacing whisper. "Listen to me. Should you two encounter the Queen, you are to put an END to this winter…do you understand?"

"…Not really, no." The first lackey admitted after a moment.

"…You're kidding me, right?" The Duke blinked.

"No. What DO you want us to do?" The second lackey shrugged. "Paint her nails?"

"NO, you fool!"

"Aw, man! I really wanted to! I had the perfect color to bring out her eyes-"

"I WANT YOU TO _KILL_ HER, you fool!" The Duke hissed under his breath.

"…Can I paint her nails _after_-"

"I DON'T CARE! GO!"

"…You don't have to _shout_." The two lackeys walked off towards the other volunteers, muttering to themselves in hurt tones.

-Back Up the Mountain-

Anna, Kristoff, Sven and Olaf were making good time with their climb. With Olaf leading the way, they approached a field of frozen, horizontal icicles with deadly points.

"So," Kristoff said to Anna, "exactly how do you plan to stop this winter?"

"Well, Plan A: I talk to Elsa," Anna began.

"Oh, right, cuz that worked SO well the first time," Kristoff snorted. "What's Plan B?"

"I SING to her-"

"Okay maybe _I_ should be the one to talk to her. Maybe then- _EEE_!" Kristoff froze, his junk several millimeters away from being impaled by an icicle.

"You were saying?" Anna asked smugly, placing a hand on his back. "One more word, and we'll find if they pop like a balloon or just slowly deflate."

"Okay, okay! I'm sorry! Sing all you want!" Kristoff inched away from the sharp point, gulping. "Um, won't it be, you know, a little dangerous?"

"It'll be fine!" Anna scoffed. "I'm not afraid of Elsa."

"Yeah," Olaf piped up. "I bet she's the _nicest_, _sweetest_, most _gentle_ person ever!" He hadn't even noticed that he'd walked into an icicle, impaling himself.

"OH GOD THAT COULD BE ME." Anna gulped and tried not to imagine being stabbed by icicles. "Maybe you CAN come with me, Kristoff…"

"Hmph, well, if you _insist_-" Kristoff shrugged at her.

"…as a body shield."

"…I will have to decline."

"Hey you guys it looks like I have a penis-"

The group pulled Olaf free and stopped short soon after as they reached an impassible cliff-face.

"It's too steep," Kristoff said, eyeing the craggy wall towering over them. "We'll have to find another- _hey_!"

Anna was already a few feet up the wall and scrambling higher, finding footholds and clinging tight to protrusions.

"No stupid wall is gonna keep me from Elsa!" She cried, reaching for another hold.

"You're gonna kill yourself!" Kristoff paused. "…Keep climbing."

"Okay, I need to concentrate, so I'm just gonna start singing to block you out," Anna said over her shoulder, then began to do just that. "_Ain't no mountain HIGH enough_!"

"Don't you think maybe she wants to be alone?" Kristoff called up after her.

"_Ain't no valley LOW enough_!"

"Maybe she needed a break from you."

"_Ain't no river WIDE enough_!"

"…And your singing."

"_To keep me from gettin' to Elsa_!" Anna halted in her climb, panting for breath. "_Whew_! Am I there yet?! Total head-rush from being so high!"

"…That's cuz you're upside down," Kristoff told her.

"WHAT HOW-" She was. "…Okay not sure how to get down now-"

"Hey, guys! Guess what?" Olaf popped his head around a snowy corner and waved an arm. "I found a stairway that leads right up to where we wanna go!" He paused. "…And a Starbucks."

"_Coffee_?!" Anna gasped, eyes shining with delight. "My sweet, how I've missed you! Catch, Kristoff!" She suddenly released her grip and let herself drop.

Kristoff didn't move.

Anna hit the snow with a solid WHUMP.

"…That was supposed to be a _trust fall_!" She stared up at Kristoff in disbelief, flat on her back in the snow.

"I know," Kristoff told her patiently, "I was teaching you NOT to trust strangers."

"YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!"

"Yeah most strangers are. Lesson learned."

"SCREW YOU!"

"That's the spirit."

Grumbling under her breath, Anna picked herself up and stomped after Olaf to first order a frozen frappuchino and then onward to find the very set of icy stairs created by Elsa, which rose through the air to end at the entrance of her impressive ice castle. They all stared in awe, breathless at the incredible sight.

"Wow…that's _ICE_," Kristoff murmured.

"OhmiGod was that a pun-" Anna's head snapped towards him.

"NO!"

"DON'T DENY WHO YOU _ARRRRE_!"

"I think you've had enough coffee-"

"_NEVER_!" Anna chugged the rest of her frap and followed Olaf up the stairs, but when Sven placed a hoof on the icy step, his hoof shot out from under him and he collapsed in a tangle of long limbs.

"Whoa! Okay, buddy," Kristoff said, gently helping him down. "You stay here. Leave this to-"

"_Heeeeeellllppppp_!" Anna came sliding down the stairs on her stomach, bumping along each step and shooting past him into the snow.

"AM I THE ONLY ONE HERE WITH _TRACTION_?!"

Kristoff was forced to carry Anna piggy-back up the icy steps, which he refused to admit he rather enjoyed. Everyone stopped in front of the tall front doors, Anna hesitating with one fist raised.

"…Knock," Olaf urged in a gentle whisper. "…Just knock." He glanced at Kristoff. "…Why isn't she knocking? Knock, knock! Who's there? It's your sister! Now KNOCK!"

"Olaf-" Kristoff began.

"KNOCK, _BITCH_!"

"_OLAF_!"

Anna finally gathered her courage enough to press the doorbell. The theme of Elsa's song rang through the palace, and the doors popped open.

"Umm…you guys should probably wait out here," Anna told the other two, nervously twisting a braid.

"You mean I can't go in?!" Kristoff gaped at her in disbelief. "But…it's a palace made of ICE! Ice is my LIFE! I think I might have a _boner_ right now!"

"Okay EW you're definitely not coming with me now." Anna made a face.

"Oh no wait it's just a carrot HERE SVEN!" He chucked it down the staircase for the reindeer, then turned back to Anna. "Come on! _Please_?!"

"Geez, would you ENJOY being frozen solid by Elsa?!" She snapped at him.

"…Incredibly so," Kristoff said, face blank.

"Okay you are definitely NEVER MEETING her now. Stay here!" Anna turned on her heel and flounced into the ice castle, the doors closing with a loud BOOM behind her. She stopped in the middle of the room, gazing in wonder at the set of grand ice steps, the vaulted ice ceiling, the ice ice machine- "WAIT WHAT WHY-"

Suddenly her shoulder hit an ice table, and a glistening ice vase fell to the floor, shattering into pieces. Anna stared down at the mess in mortification.

"…Well _I_ feel at home!"

"Who's there?" A voice called from up the stairs.

Anna gasped and quickly swept the shards under the ice-rug with an ice-broom, then whipped around to see Elsa emerge at the top of the stairs. Her sister blinked in surprise before starting forward.

"ANNA OH THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE I AM _STARVING_-"

"Hot SHIT what happened to you?!" Anna's jaw fell open as she noticed Elsa's sexy new look. "You look like…HOT _SHIT_!" There was an awkward pause. "…I _kinda_ wanna make out with you."

"Why are you here, Anna?" Elsa demanded, gripping the banister. "And seriously do you have ANY food because it's been like a whole day and I am SICK of shaved ice-"

"I came to apologize for pissing you off," Anna said, slowly climbing the stairs towards her.

"Anna…" Elsa's face softened.

"Now just apologize for being mean to me and Hans, come back to Arendelle, and be my Maid of Honor at my wedding!"

"OKAY NOT _ONE_ OF THOSE THINGS IS GOING TO HAPPEN-"

"Hello!" The girls both turned to find Olaf trotting into the palace, waving his arms in the air. "I'm Olaf, and I like warm hugs!"

"O…laf?" Elsa blinked, beginning to remember- "_AUUUGH_!"

"No, no! It's okay!" Anna assured her. "He doesn't eat flesh! And he makes PUNS!"

"…That's even _worse_-" Elsa began.

"You built me, remember?" Olaf said, a shy smile on his face.

"And you're…_alive?"_ Elsa paused. "Oh my God I'm a _mother_."

"I'm an aunt!" Anna squealed.

"I'm a snowman!" Olaf joined in.

"I'm BORED!" Came from outside the front doors.

"We're one big happy dysfunctional family!" Anna gushed excitedly. "Now come on, let's all head home!"

Elsa almost took a step towards her sister, but then memories of the accident as children resurfaced, and she flinched back.

"No, Anna, you need to go," she said coldly. "I'm just trying to protect you!" She swirled away and disappeared through the door.

"Wait!" Anna went after her. "You don't have to, Elsa, I'm not scared!" She followed Elsa through the doorway and started after her up an icy staircase, taking a deep breath.

_Please don't shut me up again_

_Please don't lock that door!_

_You don't have to keep your distance anymo-_

*_THUD_!*

Elsa squawked as she slipped on the icy steps and slid all the way down, slamming into Anna, the sisters crumpling at the foot of the stairs in a heap.

"OW I DIDN'T MEAN LIKE THAT-" Anna groaned and sat up. "Ugh, I should have borrowed Kristoff's boots!"

"Let's just take the ice-elevator!" Elsa suggested, straightening her hair.

"OhmiGod you HAVE one? This place is SO cool! Pun intended!"

The two sisters quickly rode to the second floor of the palace, where Anna continued her song under the crystal chandelier.

_Cuz for the first time in forever_

_I can finally comprehend!_

_ For the first time in forever_

_ You don't have to pretend!_

_ Let's go home! Or even better…_

_ I'm you're one and only kin!_

_ So for the first time in forever_

_ I'll be moving in!_

Elsa backed away, shaking her head and singing back.

_Anna, go home, you can't afford the rent._

_ Arendelle is sunny, the weather heaven-sent!_

"UHHHHHHH…" Anna stood there, eyes wide, face blank. Elsa didn't notice as she went on.

_My secret, it will no longer be endured._

_ Yes I'm alone, and hungry and bored._

_ Say, got any snacks from your horde?_

"Actually, about that-" Anna began hesitantly.

"What do you mean, 'about that'?" Elsa snapped back.

"You're gonna pitch a fit-"

"Tell me, what is it?!"

"Arendelle's in deep, deep, deep, deep…_SHIT_," Anna finished with a wince.

"…_WHAT_?"

"You kinda…froze the entire town!" Anna shrugged sheepishly. "Like an eternal winter…everywhere! _Whoops_!"

"_Everywhere_?!" Elsa paled and clutched at her throat as panic set in.

"Yeah, but, it's okay! You can fix it!" Anna smiled.

"No I can't! I don't know how!" Elsa groaned, shaking her head.

"Sure you can! I BELIEVE in you!"

"It's not like there's an OFF-switch, Anna!"

"Oh and also for the last few minutes you've been _singing_-"

"I've been _WHAT_?!" Elsa went even paler and staggered back in shock.

"No, it's okay, it's a good thing!" Anna held up her hands, trying to reassure her. "Now we can sing that duet I always wanted-"

"NO!"

"Come on, Elsa! Just admit it! YOU'VE always wanted to sing, too! I know you do!"

"No, you…you're WRONG!" Elsa fearfully shrank back, a miniature blizzard rising from the air and swirling around the room. Anna struggled to reach her sister through the howling winds, and the two of them began to sing in tandem, Anna first, then Elsa, as the storm grew fiercer and fiercer around them.

_Cuz for the first time in forever…_

_Oh! Not this again! Please don't start!_

_You don't have to be scared…_

_Can't flee from the temptation in my heart!_

_We can finally sing together…_

_I don't want to sing in verse!_

_You're not vocally impaired…_

_Anna, stop! You'll only make it worse!_

_Just try it…_

_There's so much doubt!_

_Calm down, don't get stressed…_

_Anna, just get out!_

_Elsa, please, let's sing together…_

_No!_

_We're like birds of a feather…_

_I…I…_

_And everyone'll be impressed…_

_**I WON'T!**_

A powerful wave of ice blasted from Elsa, shooting out all around her. A blast struck Anna in the heart, and she choked in pain and fell to her knees. Elsa whirled around, her eyes filling with worry at the sight of her sister on the ground.

"Anna!" Kristoff suddenly rushed in and slid on his knees to Anna's side. "You okay?!"

"Why do you have to be…so…_cold-hearted_?!" She gasped out.

"Yup, she's fine." Kristoff looked up and caught sight of Elsa. "HELLO."

"Really? Puns? NOW?" Elsa cried in exasperation, then pointed at Kristoff. "And who the heck is _this_?! Are you gonna marry _him_, too?!"

"Oh, GOD no!" Anna and Kristoff cried together, then blinked and looked at each other. "…Jinx?" They said as one, hesitantly.

"Okay, that's _real_ cute and all," Elsa interrupted their little moment, "but Anna, seriously, you need to GO." The ice castle around them began to shudder and darken, responding to Elsa's mood.

"No! We're _not_ leaving!" Anna yelled back, struggling to her feet. Kristoff supported her as Olaf scurried in to join them.

"Yes, you are!" Elsa told them firmly. "_SECURITY_!" A cloud of snowy mist appeared, billowing into an enormous, hulking snowman carrying a flashlight that loomed over them, rumbling fiercely.

"You're not on the list!" The huge snowman growled, snatching them up and stomping down to the entrance. Kicking open the front doors, he tossed them out into the snow at the bottom of the steps.

"Ow! HEY! You can't just THROW me, I'm a Princess!" Anna seethed, starting through the snow towards him. "I will devour your entrails in a SNOW-CONE with STRAWBERRY SYRUP!"

"WHOA calm down!" Kristoff held her back for a few moments, until it seemed like she'd settled down-

"_DIE_, SNOW-DEVIL!"

"Oh God not this again-"

Anna whipped a snowball at the brute, hitting it right on the back of the head as it turned to go back inside. The huge snowman whirled around with a vicious snarl, eyes blazing, and-

Burst into tears.

"NOW look what you did!" Kristoff cried over the loud sobs.

"I didn't MEAN to!" Anna protested. "It's not MY fault he's a big SOFT-serve!"

The snowman suddenly let out a bone-chilling roar, grew spines and sharp claws, and hurtled towards them, still bellowing in fury.

"I hate you," Kristoff said flatly.

"I hate you, too," Anna replied, then took his hand. "Now RUN!"

-End of Part 2-

Disclaimer: I don't own Frozen!

Author's Note: Ahahaha this is so much fun! At first I wasn't going to re-write Let it Go, because I thought the song might be too important to change, but I figured I might as well give it a try. It came out half-decent, so I decided to use it, though I don't know if anyone else has come up with lyrics like mine. I also didn't want to change Olaf's song so I could make Kristoff keep butting in, and the Reindeer song was quite fun to re-write. Now, only one more part to go! Wish me luck! Review, please!


	3. Part 3

Author's Note: Aaaaand here's the last part! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Don't own Frozen!

Frostbite: A Frozen Parody

Part 3

"_AUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH_!" Anna and Kristoff dashed through a patch of snow-covered trees, screaming their lungs out as the huge security snowman lumbered after them, roaring for their blood. The sunset cast the hills in a vivid wash of brilliant orange, or maybe red. For their blood. Which would soon be splattered everywhere.

They ran a little faster.

All too soon they reached a sheer drop-off and slid to a halt, panting for breath. There was no way to climb down, the drop too steep.

"NOW what?!" Anna shrieked in panic, the distant trees shivering as the murderous snowman drew closer. "WE don't have Flight Mode like Sven!"

"I have an idea!" Kristoff pulled out his length of rope and quickly tied an end around each of them with efficient knots. Anna frowned down at him as he pulled hers tight.

"What's this for?" she asked.

"If I die, I'm taking you with me!"

Anna tried to strangle him with the slack line of rope between them.

"Okay KIDDING!" Kristoff fought her off. "I'm digging a snow anchor so we can lower ourselves down the cliff. There's fresh powder at the bottom, so if we fall, it'll be like landing on a pillow-"

"Oh, well that sounds-" Anna brightened.

"_CASE_," Kristoff finished.

"…HORRIBLE."

Loud cracks and crashes (and several curses) from the line of trees alerted them, and Kristoff stood, letting the rope play out.

"Okay, Anna," he told her, backing them up towards the drop. "We go on 'three'! ONE!"

"Alright, I got this!" Anna smirked with confidence and cracked her knuckles. "Bring it!"

"TWO!"

"Aw, yeah! Let's DO this! This cliff is my BITCH!"

"_THREE_!"

"_NOOOOOOOO_!" Anna screeched, digging in her heels and refusing to budge. Kristoff rolled his eyes, gave her a rude shove off the cliff, and jumped after her. The snow anchor caught, and the two dangled down the cliff-face, slowly inching towards the bottom.

"Guys? Where are you?" Olaf waddled out of the trees, searching desperately along the edge of the drop-off for them. The huge security snowman also appeared, stomping towards Olaf and looming over him like a thunderhead. "Why, hello, Marshmallow! Can you held me find my friends?"

Marshmallow stared down at him for a long moment, then promptly booted him off the cliff. Olaf plummeted past Anna and Kristoff and waved.

"_Thaaaaanks_!"

"Olaf!" Anna cried.

"Hang in there, you guys!" Olaf called out as he fell.

"Okay I was wrong there ARE times when puns aren't appropriate!" Anna admitted. The rope they dangled from jerked, and suddenly they were being hauled up hand over hand by Marshmallow, who stood at the top.

"Like NOW?!" Kristoff snapped at her, struggling to stay upright. His head knocked against the rocky cliff and he yelped in pain. The pair was lifted level with Marshmallow's snarling face, eyes burning like hot coals.

"TAKE IT _BAAACK_!" he bellowed at them in fury.

"Alright, I'm sorry! You're NOT a soft-serve!" Anna shouted back. Marshmallow nodded in satisfaction. "…_You're a SLUSHIE_!" Quick as a flash, she drew a knife and cut herself and Kristoff free of the rope. They dropped down the cliff as the huge snowman burst into wailing tears and turned away.

"_MOMMEEEE_!"

*_WHOOMF_!*

"Totally…appropriate…" Anna panted out, stuck waist-deep in the fresh powder at the bottom of the cliff.

"But still…kinda mean…" Kristoff added wearily, sitting up and brushing himself off.

"And chasing us through the woods _wasn't_?!" Anna scowled over at him. "Wait where's Olaf-"

"Righ hurr!" The little snowman was halfway down Sven's mouth, his rump sticking in the air, one arm waving feebly. Sven wagged his tail at them.

"SVEN NO DON'T EAT THAT YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE IT'S BEEN-" Kristoff forced the reindeer to cough him up and gargle from a nearby stream.

"…Little help?" Anna asked awkwardly, her legs still firmly stuck in the snow. "…And _again_ with the frozen vagina. It will never be the same-"

"I am SO tempted to just leave you here," Kristoff stated, coming to stand over her.

"But you won't!" Anna smiled up at him cheekily. Kristoff couldn't help but smile back as he bent and pulled her free, sighing with resignation. "How's your head?" Anna asked as she fixed her skirts. "It looked like you hit it pretty hard-"

"WHO ARE YOU?!" Kristoff suddenly screamed in her face, eyes wide and confused. Anna froze in place, gaping at him. "WHO AM _I_?! WHERE IS- just kidding I'm fine-"

Anna smacked him.

"So…now what?" Kristoff asked, gingerly rubbing his sore head.

"Ohh…I…I don't know!" Anna dithered, beginning to pace in the snow. "Elsa…she kicked me out! But…I can't go back to Arendelle cuz it's still _frozen_ and I can't go back to Elsa cuz that'll just be _awkward_ oh NO what am I gonna DO maybe it'll help if I SING-"

"Anna, calm down!" Kristoff told her gently. "Your hair's gonna turn _white_ with all that worrying-" The thin streak of white in Anna's hair suddenly expanded, becoming a thick lock. "OH GOD."

"What?"

"I didn't think it actually WOULD!"

"What are you talking abou-" Anna finally glanced down at her braid. "Oh my God LOOK what you DID!"

"How is that MY fault!" Kristoff shouted back.

"Because you are STRESSING ME _OUT_!" Anna stopped, panting. "…Actually it looks kinda cool. Yell at me some more."

"As much as I'd love to, I have to say no."

"But Elsa and me could be TWINSIES-"

"Anna, this is _serious_!" Kristoff took her by the shoulders and steered her around. "It's because Elsa struck you! You need help, Anna. Come with me, we're gonna go see my friends." He grabbed her hand and began to lead her off into the woods.

"The love experts?" Anna asked dubiously. "…The reindeer-"

"They're NOT reindeer!"

"What makes you think they can help me?"

"Cuz I have the hush money to prove-" Kristoff caught himself in time. "I mean…just a hunch!" They disappeared into the trees, Sven following and once again trying to devour Olaf, who giggled like a loon.

-Back with Elsa-

Elsa paced inside her ice palace, muttering to herself and shaking her head moodily.

"Get it together, girl! Control it! No singing! NONE! Not even _humming_!" She rubbed her arms and took a deep breath, trying to calm her frazzled nerves. The palace groaned around her, sharp spines of icicles growing from the walls as her mood darkened with uncertainty and fear. "No! Stop! Crap!" The icicles multiplied, increasing in size. "SHIT! STOP IT! GO AWAY!" More and more sprouted from the walls, floor, and ceiling, stretching towards her. "_FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, I AM TELLING YOU TO ST_- oh shit."

Elsa stood rigidly upright, arms clamped to her sides, completely surrounded by icicles, unable to move an inch without pricking herself.

"…I need therapy," she whimpered. And then she felt a sneeze coming on. "MOTHER-FU-"

-Back With Anna and Kristoff-

Anna and Kristoff had left the snowy hills behind, entering a dark valley with exposed dirt dotted with large rocks and boulders. Anna suddenly shivered and clutched her chest, grimacing.

"What's wrong?" Kristoff looked at her in concern. "You cold?" He moved to a small group of rocks by the roadside and beckoned her over. "Look, it's a hot air-vent in the rocks. You can warm up here."

"Wow, thanks," Anna hurried over, smiling at him. She held out her hands over the vent and sighed at the delicious heat wafting up through the cracks. "_Ooh_, it's so nice and-"

*_WHOOF_!*

A sudden blast of hot air shot Anna's skirts up over her head, leaving her snowman-print bloomers quite exposed. She squawked indignantly and struggled to push them back down.

"KRISTOFF YOU SON OF A-"

"I SWEAR THAT WAS _NOT_ MY INTENTION!" Kristoff cried in desperation, his eyes as wide as they could go and glued to her legs. "I AM _NOT_ ENJOYING THIS TREMENDOUSLY!"

"_HMPH_!" Anna finally shoved her skirts back down and stalked back over to Olaf and Sven, fists clenched and her nose in the air. Kristoff joined her after a moment, awkwardly clearing his throat.

"So, um, listen, about my friends, they're more like…family. It was just me and Sven until they took us in." He paused. "Against our will. But anyway they're kinda loud and annoying and a total pain in the-" He broke off, staring thoughtfully at Anna. "Wow. No _wonder_ I get on so well with you."

"Excuse me?" Anna gave him a rather dangerous look.

"Uh…nothing! Look! We're here!" He strode ahead into a mossy clearing and spread his arms wide. "Anna, Olaf…meet my family!"

The open surrounding was filled with a multitude of mossy gray boulders of various shapes and sizes, and little else. Sven trotted over and licked a rock happily.

Anna and Olaf stared in complete silence.

"…Oh he is going EAT us," Anna hissed under her breath. "And then he'll wear our skins as a DRESS."

"Okay, Anna," Olaf whispered back, "you distract him, I'll hit the whacko over the head with one of his 'brothers', and then we'll hide the body! Ready GO!" He threw himself to the ground and began slowly crawling his way behind Kristoff.

"H…hey, Kristoff!" Anna hesitantly called out. He looked at her, raising an eyebrow in question. Anna stood there for a moment, blinking, then simply raised her skirts again.

"…What're you doing?" Kristoff asked flatly.

"Um…distracting you?"

"…Well it's working. Keep doing it." Kristoff didn't even notice Olaf behind him, raising a rather large rock in his twiggy arms to clobber him senseless. Suddenly the rock trembled and shook, and Olaf gasped, dropping it. All the boulders in the clearing began to quiver and shake, and they rolled forward as one to surround the group. The rocks uncurled to reveal the little grey creatures from before; Trolls!

"KRISTOFF'S HOME!" one Troll squealed, and the rest immediately joined in, hopping up and down gleefully and breaking out the beer.

"Catch me, Kristoff! I'm as heavy as a stone!" A child Troll leapt onto Kristoff's lap and giggled.

"And you're crushing _mine_! Get off!" Kristoff groaned and shoved him away.

"Trolls!" Anna breathed in awe, staring at the creatures around her. "You're not crazy after all! Oh WOW and we were just about to _kill_ you-"

"What?" Kristoff looked up.

"Nothing!" The Trolls all suddenly turned and stared at Anna, blinking in unison. She broke out in a cold sweat. "…Hi."

"…And he brought home a FEMALE!" Bulda, the female Troll who'd adopted Kristoff, shoved her way through the crowd and grabbed hold of Anna, inspecting her from head to toe. "Hmm, let's see! Good teeth, clear eyes, healthy color, nice, _wide_ hips for the young-"

"For the WHAT?!" Anna sputtered, trying to pull away. "What am I, livestock?!"

"Frozen vagina, but we can work with that-"

"Kristoff, HELP!"

"You guys, _stop_!" Kristoff intervened. "I'm just helping her is all! Like a sweet little old lady crossing the street!" He paused. "Actually a super annoying hot old lady. But I'm still just helping her!"

"What's the problem, girl?" Bulda asked, eyeing Anna. "You don't have to hold yourself back!" She started to sing, with several other Trolls as backup.

_Is it the slinky way he sits?_

_Or the stinky way he shits?_

_Or the pear-shaped, queer-shaped weirdness of his di-_

"OKAY NO." Anna held up her hands, face blank. "No no. As much as I would LOVE to sing with you guys, really, I AM DYING." She paused. "Also that song sounded _disgusting_."

"Oh." Bulda blinked. "Well. Better hurry this up, then!" The group of Trolls quickly seized hold of Anna and Kristoff and decked them out in grass cloaks, necklaces of crystals, and crowns made of twigs and branches. Another group set up decorations in flash, digging a low altar for the pair, who were thrown in rather rudely. As they sat up, a Troll priest holding a book stepped forward and cleared his throat.

"Do you, Anna, take Kristoff as your Troll-fully wedded sex god-"

"WHOA WHAT WAIT HOLD THE SYRUP WHAT IS GOING ON HERE." Anna gaped in shock, utterly confused.

"…You're getting married, sweetie," the Troll Priest explained patiently.

"But…but she has ice in her heart!" Kristoff loudly protested. The Troll priest shrugged.

"Well, you can easily fix that with some hot and passionate _lovin'_-"

"No, I mean LITERALLY!" Anna shivered and almost fell over. Kristoff put an arm around her. "SEE?!"

"Okay, fine," the Troll priest huffed in irritation. "We can skip the ceremony and get right to the honeymoon-"

"GRAND PABBIE!" Kristoff shouted at the top of his voice. Immediately an old, wizened Troll with a stringy beard and mossy cape rolled through the crowd, the very same that had helped Anna as a child.

"What?!" he snapped grumpily. "I was trying to pass a load of stones but I am SO constipated-"

"OH GOD _HELLLP_!" Kristoff begged, shaking Anna's limp form. "SHE'S SO COLD SHE'S GONNA _DIEEE_!"

"…Well I just _shit_ myself." The old Troll blinked. "Come here, girl."

"…Do I _have_ to?" Anna made a face until Kristoff shoved her over. Grand Pabbie gently took her hands in his and looked her in the eyes. "Wait did you wash those-"

"Anna," he said firmly, "your life is in danger. There is ice in your heart, put there by your sister, Elsa. You will freeze to solid ice unless you thaw your frozen heart with an act of true love."

"A true love's kiss, perhaps?" one Troll piped up, then began frenching the Troll beside it. Anna made another face.

"Alright, that just sounds _ridiculous_-" She gave a violent shudder, and nearly all of her hair faded to white. "OKAY WHO WANTS A KISS?!"

"I do! Me me me!" Several of the male Trolls raised their hands and waved with enthusiasm.

"_Meee_- I mean…" Kristoff lowered his hand and cleared his throat. "We have to get you to your fiancée!"

"Oh! Right! To…uh…" Anna frowned and snapped her fingers, desperately trying to recall his name. "Uhhh…"

"…Hans?" Kristoff prompted.

"Yeah! That's it! Hans!" Anna smiled and pointed at him. "I knew it started with an 'H'! Come on, let's go!"

Kristoff quickly helped her out of the grass cape and crown and got on Sven's back, lifting her up onto his lap. Olaf hopped on as well as the reindeer snorted and shot off, heading for Arendelle.

"…I can't believe you forgot his NAME," Kristoff muttered under his breath. "Wait actually I _can_ you barely know him-"

"I would have remembered it eventually!" Anna snapped back.

"_I'll_ kiss you, Anna!" Olaf offered.

-At Elsa's Ice Palace-

Hans and his team of volunteers cautiously approached the towering ice palace, eyeing the shining walls and steeples with undisguised awe. Hans reined his horse to a stop at the foot of the icy stairs and turned in the saddle to address the group.

"Alright, men," he said calmly, "we are looking for Princess Anna-"

A nearby pile of snow suddenly twitched and stood up, Marshmallow bellowing murderously upon seeing the intruders. The men all shrieked in fear and their horses balked, whinnying. Hans simply blinked.

"…Alright we are looking for Anna's CORPSE-"

"You're not on the list!" Marshmallow roared, barreling towards them with a ferocious snarl-

"Could you double check?" Hans asked politely. Marshmallow froze in place, towering over him like an avalanche. With agonizing slowness, he raised one snowy arm and-

Pulled out a clipboard with a list of names.

"FINE." The huge snowman grumbled as he flipped through the pages. "Name?"

"Hans? Of the Southern Isles?" Hans said, dismounting his horse. "South Hans? HANS-some? Anything?" More grumbles from Marshmallow as he searched.

The Duke of Weselton's two lackeys took advantage of the distraction to sneak behind the creature, tip-toeing up the ice-stairs and through the double-doors. Elsa gasped as the two men entered her palace and quickly retreated, heading for the second floor.

"At least they can't get up the stairs- OH SHIT THEY HAVE CRAMPONS!" She squealed and scrambled up the stairs with her skirts in her arms, the men following close behind. All three emerged on the second floor, Elsa whirling to face them, hands raised pleadingly.

"Stop! Leave me alone, please!" she begged.

"Holy SHIT she's hot!" The lackey with a beard hesitated, a crossbow in hand. "I…I can't do it! I can't attack her!"

"Well _I_ can!" the other lackey, without a beard, shot back. "I'm gay!"

"Well that explains the nail polish obsession-"

"Shut up!" The beardless lackey leveled the crossbow at Elsa. "It's a shame about the dress, sweetheart! Blood is SO hard to get out of fabric!"

He pulled the trigger, and the bolt shot towards her. Elsa barely managed to block it with a wave of ice, and her face hardened in anger. She fought back, another wave of ice throwing the man against the wall and pinning him there with needle-sharp icicles. The bearded lackey moved to attack as well, and Elsa turned on him, summoning a solid sheet of ice to shove him back through the balcony doors, pushing him perilously close to the edge. The beardless lackey gasped in horror.

"No don't I love him!" he cried aloud.

"Wha…really?" The other lackey stopped struggling and gaped at him dreamily. "You…never said!"

"Uh…do you two need a moment?" Elsa stood off to the side awkwardly, blinking.

Back at the foot of the stairs, Hans was still arguing with Marshmallow.

"Hansolo? Little H? Nothing? Really?"

"I'm telling you, you're NOT on the list!" Marshmallow shook the clipboard at him. Hans raised an eyebrow.

"You know what? I just thought of something." His eyes glittered dangerously. "Are YOU on the list?"

"Uh…uh…" Marshmallow searched desperately down the list of names, flustered and sputtering. "I…I'm…NOT!" He dropped the clipboard and burst into a fresh wave of tears as he threw _himself_ off the nearby ledge, wailing all the way down. Hans rolled his eyes.

"That snowman was _abominable_." No-one laughed. "…I wish Anna was here SHE would have laughed. Come on, men!" He and the others charged towards the ice castle, through the front doors and up the stairs to- "WHOA!" Hans and his men screeched to halt.

The two lackeys were making out. Elsa stood quietly to the side, face blank.

"Help me," she begged them. "They won't stop."

"HEY!" Hans shouted, clapping his hands together. "Knock it off! This fic is rated Teen! Keep it clean!"

One of the lackeys' crossbows (which they were still holding) suddenly went off with a crack, shooting towards the ceiling. The lackey gaped at it in shock.

"…I swear that's never happened to me before-"

"WHAT'D I JUST SAY-"

The bolt hit the base of the crystalline chandelier, and the beautiful ornament fell and hit the floor with a splintering crash. Elsa was thrown back by the force of it, struck her head, and everything went black.

-A Short While Later-

Elsa slowly regained consciousness, her head throbbing and a dull ringing in her ears. She groaned and sat up, cracking an eye open. She was in a small bed in a cramped, dark cell, the only light coming from a barred window nearby. Elsa staggered to her feet and was stopped short by strange iron manacles encasing her hands, chains trailing to the floor. She stared at them, dumbfounded.

"…How am I supposed to pee like this?" Elsa twisted the chains out of the way and peeked out the narrow window. Through the frosted glass, she could see Arendelle's frozen harbor, the ships still locked in a thick layer of ice. "OH GOD ICE IS JUST FROZEN WATER NOW I _REALLY_ HAVE TO GO-" She turned away, searching for the chamber pot-

Which Hans was in the middle of using.

"_AUUUUUUGH_!"

"_AUUUUUUGH_!" Hans jumped in fright, his back to her. He glanced over his shoulder at Elsa. "Oh God I'm sorry I just- gimme a minute- I didn't have a chance the whole time we were climbing the mountain and I drank a lot of hot chocolate-"

"I don't CARE!" Elsa screeched at him, whirling around and covering her eyes as best she could with her strange manacles. "Just STOP!"

"Okay, done!" Hans finally finished, zipping his fly and turning to Elsa. "Phew, talk about an introduction! So!" He coughed awkwardly. "I'm Hans, if you don't remember, and I-" He extended a hand toward Elsa, which she stared at with utter disgust. "Oh, right, I haven't washed-"

"No, I have HAND CAGES," Elsa snapped, glaring at him. "Plus I hate you already."

"Oh yeah that too WOW I am _horrible_ at this-" Hans cleared his throat. "Anyway! Queen Elsa. Please, stop this winter. Bring summer back to Arendelle."

"Don't you see?!" Elsa shook her head helplessly. "I _can't_!" Hans stared at her in remorse.

"…Not even if I say _please_?"

"No!"

"…_Pretty_ please?"

"NO!"

"…Pretty please with a _cherry_-"

"GET OUT OF MY CELL!"

"…Well I would," Hans said, glancing down, "but it appears I am frozen to the floor." Elsa blinked, and was startled to see that he indeed was, and frost was creeping around the small room, mirroring her mood. She let out a sigh.

"Hot water usually works."

-With Anna-

Anna shivered in Kristoff's lap, the pair of them riding down the mountain on Sven's back as the reindeer thundered through the snow. Olaf was sliding through the powder on his stomach beside them, easily keeping pace.

"S…speeding!" Anna whispered feebly, her face deathly pale.

"Give it a rest!" Kristoff huffed. "I'll add the ticket to your bill!" He took off his bonnet and tugged it over her head with care.

"Oh ew did you fart on this too?"

"_No_!" Kristoff frowned down at her. "…I threw up in it once though."

"_EWWWW_-"

Sven finally reached the end of the tree-line and burst into Arendelle, the once-bustling town now empty, silent, and deeply covered in layers of snow.

"See you guys at the castle!" Olaf began to slip off to the side.

"Stay out of sight!" Kristoff called after him.

"Sure thing!" The little snowman disappeared behind a row of houses and immediately ran into a large group of people. "…Hello, strangers!"

There was a short pause.

"KILL THE CREATURE!"

"…Poop."

Sven galloped to the palace's front gates, where Kristoff quickly dismounted and took Anna in his arms, hurrying to the doors.

"You…gonna be okay…without me?" Anna asked through chattering teeth.

"Oh I am gonna be GREAT- I mean…don't worry about me, Anna." He smiled down at her, and she smiled back, warmed by his kindness. "But just to be on the safe side, you might wanna write an order for my new sled right away in case you die-" He cut off in a piercing shriek as Anna stuck her ice-cold hands down his shirt. "Okay take her TAKE HER-"

The servants Kai and Gerda had rushed out the gates, the latter gently helping Anna inside towards the palace.

"Get her to Hans!" Kristoff called after them. Anna gave him one last worried glance over her shoulder. "And make sure he kisses the _crap_ outta her!" He paused. "And then someone slug him in the face for me!"

"My pleasure!" Kai grinned, cracking his knuckles. He bowed politely and closed the gates. Kristoff let out a long, relieved sigh and turned away.

"Thank GOD that's over!" He skipped merrily away down the street, humming a happy tune. "Come on, Sven! Let's go home!"

Sven didn't move, frowning at the gates, then frowning at Kristoff's retreating back. The reindeer snorted, shook his head in annoyance, and reluctantly followed after Kristoff.

-Inside the Palace-

Anna was hustled through the quiet palace halls to a sitting room with couches and a roaring fire in the fireplace. Hans leapt to his feet as she entered, other foreign dignitaries also in the room.

"Hans!" Anna cried, staggering in.

"Anna!" Hans rushed to her side. "You're so cold! And your hair…were you making snow angels again-"

"Hans, I need you to kiss me!" Anna cut in, grabbing him by the sideburns.

"Anna wait-"

"With tongue!"

"OKAY WHOA SLOW DOWN!" Hans struggled in her grip as the servants hurriedly got everyone else out of the room before they started disrobing. "Anna, what happened-"

"I don't have time to explain!" Anna cried impatiently.

"Just TRY-"

"ELSA! ME! ICE! HEART! TRUE LOVE! _PUCKER UP_!"

"_Ohhhhhh_." Hans blinked in understanding and without another word, gently carried her over to the nearby couch. "I get it now. A true love's kiss, to melt the frozen heart."

"Yes. _Please_, Hans." Anna nodded and closed her eyes in anticipation. Hans closed his as well, and leaned in close. Anna's breath caught as their lips brushed-

"Oh, Anna. If only I were straight."

Anna's eyes snapped open, and she stared at Hans in disbelief, who smirked back at her.

"…WHAT."

Hans didn't answer, instead standing and casually walking over to the window.

"But…you said…you loved me!" Anna choked out, her mind still reeling. "…We _sang_ a _song_ about it!"

"And you actually thought I ENJOYED that?" Hans snorted and rolled his eyes. "Honey_, please_! As thirteenth in line, I knew I had to find a beard and marry into the throne, and when I heard all about your _stupid_ singing, I knew it would be the easiest way to get you to fall in love with me. And you know what? It WORKED!"

"You're a _monster_!" Anna gasped. Hans closed the curtains and moved around the room, extinguishing candles, lowering the thermostat- "What are you doing?!"

"Just a little Feng Shui," he told her, shrugging. "The atmosphere's a little too…WARM in here."

"No! Stop!" Anna dragged herself off the couch and tried to stop him as he doused the fire in the hearth.

"Now all that's left is to KILL Elsa, and take the throne!" Hans chuckled darkly, adjusting his gloves.

"You're no match for Elsa!" Anna hissed out, glaring up at him. Hans knelt and lightly pinched her cheek.

"Oh, I'll admit her fashion sense has certainly improved, but GIRL, just wait until you see ME in that dress."

"…OH GOD YOU'LL LOOK _FABULOUS_." Anna gaped at him, eyes wide with horror. Hans rose and started for the door. "You…you'll never get away with this!"

"I already have," Hans laughed, opening the door and ducking through. "Oh, and Anna…" He poked his head back in and smirked one last time. "White is just NOT your color." The door closed with a loud SLAM, and was locked shortly after.

"Oh yeah well your colors are _black and blue_! Come back here so you can _wear them_!" Anna hollered, crawling to the door and uselessly jiggling the handle. She collapsed against the doorframe, shuddering as the rest of her hair faded to white. "Son...of a…bitch!" She huddled there, shivering, stoking her inner furnaces of anger and hatred to keep herself alive.

-In the Palace Meeting Room-

The foreign dignitaries and servants were gathered in the palace's meeting room, muttering worriedly around the long, rectangular table. They looked up as Hans entered, wracked with sobs of grief and tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Anna's DEAD!" He cried aloud, and everyone gasped. ""She's _dead_! She just _died_ in my arms! Like a beautiful little candle being _snuffed_ out!"

"What? But…" Kai was at a loss for words. "What…happened?!"

"It was Elsa!" Hans sat heavily in a chair, cradling his head in his hands. "She was so jealous of our undying love that she _killed_ her- and also cuz she wouldn't stop singing- but she killed her alright! Killed her _dead_! So very, very _dead_!" He paused, sniffling. "…Did…did I mention she's dead?"

"…Several times, actually-" Gerda began.

"Because she IS! Dead, I mean. As in, NOT BREATHING. Nope. So there is no reason for anyone to go back into the sitting room for, say, an hour or so. NONE. …What with her being dead and all." Hans wiped his eyes and cleared his throat. "At least…we were able to recite our marriage vows…before I totally tapped that…and then she died."

"…It was that good-"

"I don't know if I can go on without her my life has no meaning now that she's GONE-" Hans broke down in sobs, covering his face with his hands. "_HHHNNNGGGHHH_-"

"Prince Hans," the Duke of Weselton said in a quiet voice, "with Anna gone, Arendelle looks to you-"

"Well alright." Hans sat up straight, face completely composed. "If you insist. Okay, FIRST decree, I charge Elsa with treason." He looked at the others. "We should totally kill her." He paused. "Like, right now." Another pause. "I can do it myself-"

"Uh, well-"

"Because as we all know, Anna is dead because of her. Totally dead. SUPER DEAD. Like one out of ten, she's ELEVEN DEAD-"

"Alright, alright! Just SHUT UP!"

-In the Dungeon-

Elsa was hopping up and down, still urgently needing to pee, as the frost and ice continued to spread through the small dungeon, her hand-shackles cracking in the cold. She gave them an experimental tug before angry voices came from the hall, guards crowding around the door.

"She's in here!"

"Let's give it to her!"

"And not flowers this time!"

"D…don't come in!" Elsa cried desperately, yanking at the chains. "I'm… _peeing_!"

There was a short silence from behind the door.

"…Oh, goodness," one of the men finally answered. "How rude of us. Please, take your time."

"We're not listening!" another called. "Just do your thing!"

"Why would you say that? Now you're gonna make her _nervous_-"

Elsa gave one last, hard tug, and the hand-shackles shattered, freeing her. The stone wall was next to go, cracking open easily in the cold, and she dashed out onto the frozen fjord, a winter blizzard instantly whipping up out of nowhere.

"What are you idiots doing out here in the hall?!" Hans barked.

"Sorry, sir, she was peeing, and we didn't want to rush-"

"MOVE!" Hans shoved past them and kicked the door open. Seeing the broken manacles on the floor and crumbled wall beyond, he cursed and angrily stomped a foot-

Hitting the chamber pot.

"OH GOD EW ALL OVER MY NEW BOOTS!"

-On the Edge of Arendelle-

Kristoff and Sven had reached the tree-line, the reindeer's hooves dragging in the snow as he followed after the young man. Casting another sad look back at the frozen town below, Sven's eyes suddenly narrowed, and he charged past Kristoff, blocking his way in a huff.

"Hey! Sven, come on. Move." Kristoff frowned at him. Sven grunted back and tossed his head. "Hey! Do NOT take that tone with me, young reindeer!" He crossed his arms firmly. Sven just waited, staring him down. "…NO! We are NOT going back! I do NOT care about Anna that much! In fact, I'm GLAD she's gone! She was nothing but trouble! She's with her true love!" Sven continued to wait. Kristoff's frown deepened. "Look, Sven, I don't care HOW long you stare at me like that I am NOT going to ALRIGHT YES I LOVE HER, _OKAAAY_?! I LOVE HER STUPID _PUNS_ AND HER _SINGING_ AND HOW SHE ALMOST GETS ME _KILLED_ ALL THE TIME AND I JUST LOVE _EVERYTHING_ ABOUT HER! Alright?! Is THAT what you wanna hear?! _HUH_?!"

He stopped, panting for breath, and realized Sven wasn't replying because the animal was gaping at something in the distance. Kristoff whirled around and gasped as huge storm clouds appeared over Arendelle, blanketing the entire town in a fog of white.

"Oh, this shit has got 'Anna' written ALL over it!" he cried. Sven leapt forward, scooping him up in his antlers, and shot back down the mountainside towards the town. "OKAY MAYBE I DON'T REALLY LOVE HER ALL _THAT_ MUCH!" He paused. "…GODAMMIT YES I DO."

-With Anna-

Anna was still huddled by the door, muttering swears under her breath and shivering, the sitting room dark and cold around her. She tried a new tactic, weakly singing a song.

"_It's…getting hot in here…so take off…all your clothes_…" She groaned. "This isn't working I'm STILL freezing." A sudden noise from the chimney caught her attention, and she turned to stare at it suspiciously. "…San…ta?"

"HO HO _HOOOOO_!" Olaf came tumbling down the chimney, landing with a splat in a pile of ash.

"…I'll take it!"

"Anna!" Olaf got to his stubby feet and hurried to her side, carefully helping her next to the empty fireplace. "Where's Hans? I expected you two to be making sweet love right here by now-"

"I was…wrong about him," Anna managed around chattering teeth. "He's a total scrub- wait if you expected us to be doing _that_ then why would you come down the-"

_*WHOOF!*_

"_Eeek_!" Anna fell over backwards, the logs in the hearth bursting to flame as Olaf kindled the fire. "Olaf, no! Be careful!"

"So THIS is heat…" Olaf gasped in awe, his eyes wide, reflecting the inviting flames flickering before him. He moved closer.

"No, don't! Get away!"

"It's…so…_beautiful_…" The snowman reached towards the fire in a daze.

"I SAID GET AWAY FROM THERE, YOU STUPID CHILD-EATING SNOWMAN!" Anna paused, blinking in surprise at the outburst. "…Sorry."

"No! Don't be!" Olaf told her. "Get mad! Whatever keeps you warm!"

"Anyway!" Anna shook her head, huddling towards the heat of the flames. "I was wrong about Hans. It…wasn't true love." Her eyes fell to the ground in shame. "I don't even know what love is…"

"Well…that's okay! We can just…look it up!" Olaf pulled out a dictionary and quickly flipped through the pages. "Hmm…let's see…L…L…Love! Right here! Love is…putting someone's needs before you own! You know, like, how Kristoff brought you here and dumped you off to be with Hans forever while he went home to cry himself to sleep!" Anna blinked.

"You mean…Kristoff…loves me?" She asked uncertainly.

"Well, yeah," Olaf replied, closing the book. "…That or he just _really_ hates you."

"Well which is it?!"

"I dunno! You'll just have to kiss him, won't you?"

"But…but…" Anna considered it for a moment. "M'alright."

The window on the other side of the room suddenly burst open, a cold, snowy wind howling inside. Olaf yelped in panic and ran to close it.

"I got it, I got it!" An icicle fell from the eaves above and shot in through the window, jamming into his eye-socket and out the other side. Olaf screamed bloody murder, twiggy army scrabbling at the icicle stabbing into his head.

"OH GOD OLAF!" Anna was too frozen in horror move.

"_AAAUUUU_- just kidding can't feel pain remember?" Olaf winked at her with his one working eye.

"We'll see about that, you little shit!" Anna started crawling towards him, intent on revenge.

"Hey, wait! I think I see something! Something in the distance…" Olaf closed his eye and squinted through the icicle in his head, using it as a built-in telescope. "It's…Kristoff and Sven! They're coming back! And they're heading this way!" He paused. "He has GOT to wash that hair-"

"Olaf! Help me up!" Anna was struggling to stand. "I have to get to Kristoff!"

"Why?" Olaf asked, confused. "To return his hat?"

"NO, so I can kiss him to get back at Hans- I mean…break the curse or whatever. True love shit. Let's GO!" Olaf took her hand, easily picked the door's lock with his carrot-nose, and the two ran out into the darkened hallway. They gasped as frost crept over the walls and ceiling, sharp icicles sprouting from the floor and blocking their path.

"Wow, this castle _really_ needs some new interior decorating, it's so cold and lifeless in here-"

"That's because of the _ice_, moron!" Anna hollered at the snowman. "We're _trapped_ in here!"

Down on the frozen fjord below, Elsa fought her way through the howling blizzard, struggling to see where she was running. Lost, she raised a hand to-

"Alright who the HELL painted my nails- oh but they look _really_ nice-" She shrugged and continued to run blindly around on the ice.

"Sorry, mom!" Anna said aloud as she kicked out one of the upper windows. She and Olaf slipped through the broken pane and slid down the roof to the courtyard below. Anna staggered towards the front gates, the wind and cold threatening to consume her. She shivered with fear and sadness upon seeing her beloved town blanketed in bone-chilling snow and ice. Olaf helped her down to the fjord's edge, where she started across the frozen water. Anna gasped as she watched a thin film of blue, sparkling ice spread over her bare hands. "Ugh, I _knew_ I shoulda worn my mittens!"

"Anna!" On the opposite side of the fjord, Kristoff and Sven started across the great expanse of ice as well. With a thunderous groan, one of the large ships trapped in the ice broke free, falling towards them. Sven snorted and increased speed, narrowly dodging the ship as it fell and crashed through the ice. "Nice job, buddy!" Kristoff told him, patting his shoulder. "I'll just continue to hold on and let YOU do all the work-"

Sven rudely bucked him off, sending him flying forward through the air.

"AW COME ON I WAS KIDDING!" Kristoff hit the ice and scrambled up to see Sven plunge into the freezing water opened by the falling ship. "SVEN! …I think that's the first time you've ever _bathed_-" Sven emerged with a splash, grunting as he climbed onto a small iceberg and shook himself off. "OhmiGod your coat looks _amazing_- I mean… stay, boy! I'll be right back!" Kristoff turned and ran off into the blizzard, searching for Anna.

Elsa was still lost. The freezing winds screamed in her ears as she wandered the fjord, growing more and more afraid with every step. Suddenly Kristoff burst out of the snow right in front of her.

"Anna! I love you! Kiss me!" Kristoff seized Elsa and hauled her close, trying to kiss her.

"Whoa! Stop!" Elsa sputtering, shoving him back. "Get off!"

"What? Oh." Kristoff blinked and put her down. "Sorry, wrong sister!" He dashed back into the snowstorm. "Anna, where ARE you? Say 'Polo'! Marco! Marcooo!" Elsa watched him go, a confused look on her face.

"…What the hell was THAT about?"

"Beats me!" Hans said, standing right behind her.

"_AUUUUGGGH_!" Elsa jumped a foot. "Stop…DOING that!" She turned to flee. "Just…take care of my sister!"

"Oh, I will," Hans assured her. "The funeral is going to be _lovely_-"

"WHAT?" Elsa stopped, staring back at him in shock.

"Yeah, we're gonna have white roses and chocolate and this great band that's gotten really good reviews and I'm gonna sing a little speech about how cute her puns always were-"

"Shut up! Stop! Hold ON!" Elsa took a deep breath. "What do you mean, FUNERAL? Why would Anna need-"

"Cuz she's dead."

"_What_? No!" Elsa gasped, feeling faint. "But she…I…_who killed her_?!"

"Hoo, boy, THIS is awkward," Hans groaned, rubbing his neck.

"WHY-"

"Cuz YOU did."

Elsa fell to her knees with a strangled cry, and the raging blizzard was instantly swept back, billowing away, the air and surrounding town eerily calm and quiet.

"H…huh?" So cold she could barely move, Anna blinked at the sudden calm. She squinted her eyes, seeing something in the distance. "…Kristoff?" He was still far away, but had caught sight of her and was hurrying towards her. Anna glanced to the side, and saw a figure huddled on the ice. "…Elsa?" Hans was approaching her from behind, a sword in his hand. Then Anna looked down. "And…A FIVE DOLLAR BILL?! I could buy COFFEE with that! OH GOD, HOW WILL I _EVER_ CHOOSE?!" She paused, so desperately torn between the three things. Finally, she made a choice. "_Ugggghhh_, Elsa, you owe me five dollars!" She forced herself to change direction and hobbled towards her sister.

"Anna!" Kristoff watched her turn away in disbelief. "Wait no that's the wrong way- OH YEAH _FINE_ I DIDN'T WANT TO KISS YOU ANYWAY!" He broke down in sniffles. "Got my hopes up for nothing…"

Hans smirked triumphantly as he raised the sword to slay Elsa, who didn't notice amidst her sorrow. Suddenly Anna was there, throwing herself between the pair, one arm coming up in protest, middle finger firmly extended.

"FUCK YOU, HANS!" she cried, and in that moment, the ice in her heart spread, and in mere seconds she was a beautiful blue ice sculpture, frozen for all of time. Hans' sword hit Anna's middle finger, the weapon shattering, and he was violently flung back with a cry. Elsa looked up at the sound and felt her world fall apart.

"Anna! NO!" She leapt up and threw her arms around her sister, sobbing in grief. Kristoff stood off to the side, slumped in despair. Olaf and Sven joined him, faces heavy with sorrow.

"Oh, Anna…" Olaf sniffled. "At least we know she was never one to _freeze_ in the face of danger-"

"ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING _PUNS_!" Kristoff exploded. "…I miss her so much."

"Anna…I'm so sorry," Elsa whimpered, holding her tight. "I kept it a secret for so long, because I was so ashamed, but…but…" She leaned forward to whisper in her sister's ear. "…_I always wanted to sing with you_!" She lay her head on Anna's shoulder and wept.

Warmth spread over Anna's body, starting in her heart, then spreading to the rest of her. The ice slowly thawed and faded away, leaving Anna healthy and whole once more, her skin a healthy pink, her hair reddish-brown as before. She smiled at Elsa and pulled her close for a hug.

"Sounds like a duet!" Anna said brightly, winking. "Pun intended!"

"Anna!" everyone cried happily and crowded in. Kristoff briefly considered demanding his kiss but decided not to ruin the tender moment.

"You…sacrificed yourself for me?" Elsa asked in disbelief. Anna shrugged like it was nothing.

"I love you," she said plainly. "Plus I _really_ wanted to get back at that asshole Hans WHERE IS HE-"

"An act of true love will thaw a frozen heart!" Olaf gasped, eyes wide with wonder. "Talk about plot twists! I did NOT see that coming! I wonder who the murderer will turn out to be?"

"WHAT." Kristoff stared down at him.

"I'll bet it's Sven-"

"Seriously stop talking."

"Love will thaw…" Elsa repeated, a light of understanding in her eyes. "Of course…_LOVE_!" She beamed at Anna, then turned and raised her arms. Everyone gasped as the ice beneath their feet began to melt, revealing a large ship under them. The frozen fjord thawed, as well as the town of Arendelle, the snow melting away and summer returning to the land. Flowers and grass sprung to life once again as the snow coalesced into one enormous snowflake that rose over the town and exploded into dazzling bits before fading away.

"…And from this one scene," Kristoff stated, "hundreds of incestuous fanfics were born. _Literally_. Hundreds." Olaf grinned up at him. Kristoff scowled in disgust. "You and your fucking PUNS." He paused. "…I better get used to them."

"I knew you could do it!" Anna laughed, taking Elsa's hand.

"I'm so excited I peed a little!" Olaf cried. "…Actually, a lot." He had a large puddle beneath him.

"Ew Olaf that is disgus- OH GOD HE'S MELTING!"

"Whoa, there! Hold on!" With a twirl of her fingers, Elsa revived Olaf and created a tiny snow-cloud floating above his head.

"My very own personal flurry!" he squealed happily. "I'll call it…my iCloud!" Kristoff leaned over and whispered in his ear. "What do you MEAN lawsuit? Okay, fine, how about…Mcflurry-" Kristoff whispered again. "GoshDANG it all the good ones are taken!" He pulled out his thesaurus and began searching for a new name.

A muffled groan made them all turn to see Hans slowly sitting up, wincing in pain. Kristoff's face darkened as he started for him, but Anna caught his arm and hissed.

"Don't you DARE rob me of this pleasure- I mean…I got this, honey."

"Huh?" Hans looked up to find Anna glaring at him murderously. "A…Anna? But you…uh…I thought you…" He cleared his throat and weakly began to sing. "_L…love is an unlocked do_-"

"I don't think so, Hans. _Cuz for the FIRST time in foreverrr_," Anna cut him off, eyes flashing with anger, "_I'm gonna KIIIICK your FUHHHH-KING ASS_!" She promptly slugged him, and he tumbled backwards over the railing of the boat and hit the water with a splash. "…Okay someone fish him outta there I am SO not done! I got five more verses right here!" She held up her fist and growled.

"He wasn't good enough for you, anyway!" Elsa laughed, giving her a warm hug.

"Ugh, and those _sideburns_!" Anna gagged. "What was I _thinking_?!" Behind her, Kristoff made a mental note to shave. "Now, about that duet…"

-Some Time Later-

The many foreign dignitaries who had come to Arendelle for Elsa's coronation were finally leaving, their large ships pulling away from the docks and departing back to their own lands. Hans was rudely shoved into the brig of one such ship, the door locked firmly shut by the foreign dignitary himself.

"I will return this brat to his country," the man said to Kai in a thick accent. "We will see what his older brothers think of his behavior." He paused. "He is in for a LOT of wedgies."

"I dunno, Anna already gave him quite a few-" Kai began, then caught sight of several soldiers leading the Duke of Weselton along the docks.

"You cannot do this to me!" the skinny man cried, moustache bristling in outrage. "You can't stop these sick moves, playah!" He broke into some of his violent dancing, and the soldiers gasped in fear.

"He's resisting! Get him!" They all dog-piled on him, breaking one brittle hip, and quickly trussed him up. The soldiers hauled him sputtering to his feet as Kai walked up, an official document in his hands.

"I have a message from the Queen, for the Duke of WEASEL Town," he told the Duke, then read aloud from the paper. "Enjoy the MAKEOVER."

"What?! What the devil does that- OH NO." Behind Kai were the Duke's two lackeys, grinning widely and holding a comb, scissors and makeup.

"…I'm thinking a PERM-"

"And I know just the color for his nails-"

"_NOOOOO_!"

The cry echoed all the way into the town, where Anna giggled as she led a blindfolded Kristoff through the bustling streets.

"Come on, come on!" she urged, tugging at his hand. "We're almost there!" She was so excited she didn't even notice that she kept running him into poles.

*_THUD_!* "OW-" *_THUD_!* "OW-" *_THUD_!* "OW- okay can anyone ELSE please lead me?!" Kristoff begged, his nose bleeding a little. "This was a horrible idea!"

"It was YOUR idea."

"Well it was a GOOD idea before I knew you'd be the one leading-" *_THUD_!* "OW! _How many poles are on this street?!"_

"Oh, they've all been the same one."

"_WHAT_?!"

"We're here!" Anna cried, whipping off his blindfold. "You can look now!"

"…I can't," Kristoff said quietly. "My eyes are swollen shut."

"They are _not_!"

Kristoff huffed to himself and peeked at the surprise. He gasped at the sight of a brand new sled, the dark wood glistening and runners shining in the sunlight. Sven even strutted over with a sexy walk to show it off. "Oh Anna it's _amazing_- Sven are you wearing _lipstick_?" He shook his head, completely overwhelmed. "Wait. Are those…_flames_?"

"That depends," Anna replied, giving him a look. "Are those tears?"

"Yes they are and I am _not_ ashamed-"

"So anyway the Queen's named you two the official Ice Master and Deliverer!" Anna paused. "Which means you'll be out of a job for half the year but-"

"I LOVE it, Anna!" Kristoff snatched her up and spun her around, laughing in glee. "I could _kiss_ you!"

"I could throw up right now!"

"Oh! Sorry!" He quickly put her back down, then shuffled his feet nervously. "So…um…could I?"

"…Throw up?" Anna asked, confused.

"No! KISS you!"

"Okay sure Sven lemme borrow that lipstick-"

"OH MY GOD I KNEW IT-"

"Shut up and kiss me, stupid!"

Kristoff was happy to oblige.

Elsewhere in the town, Olaf strolled along the rows of houses, oohing and aahing in delight.

"Oh, I just _love_ summer it's so _warm_ and _pretty_ and the _smells_- _OOH_!" He stopped next to a small pail of flowers and leaned close, inhaling deeply- "Ga-CHOO!" …And sneezing explosively. Olaf sniffled and choked for breath, his eyes itching and watering. "OH _GOD_ I HAVE ALLERGIES I _HATE_ SUMMER THIS IS THE _WORST_-."

Sven suddenly appeared next to him and bit off his carrot-nose with a loud CHOMP.

"You saved me! Thanks, buddy!" Olaf squealed in delight and hugged him. The reindeer just rolled his eyes and kept chewing.

In the castle's courtyard, Elsa smiled mischievously at the townsfolk gathered around her and winked.

"Are you ready?" She asked aloud. At their answering cheer, she lifted a foot and stomped, a layer of ice spreading wide to cover the courtyard completely, transforming it into the perfect skating rink. "We're never closing the gates again!" She watched with satisfaction as the townsfolk spread out and began to skate, enjoying the-

"_INCOMING_!" Anna came barreling across the ice on an unsteady pair of skates, slamming into her with the force of a full-body hockey check. The girls collapsed in a heap. "…That's the only way I know how to stop."

Elsa just let her head fall back and laughed.

"I'll give you lessons!" Kristoff offered as he slid past, holding tight to Sven's tail while the reindeer farted and clopped around.

"I'll pass!" Anna called after him, wincing.

"Yay, _puns_!" Olas giggled and skated around them, performing a marvelous triple axle. Elsa smiled as she watched Anna totter away to join them, wind-milling her arms to keep her balance.

"I'm glad she learned her lesson…" Elsa sighed happily, perfectly content.

"Elsa! Elsa! Guess what?! Kristoff and I are getting MARRIED!"

"…Godammit, Anna."

-The End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Frozen!

Author's Note: That was SO much fun to write! Thanks for reading! I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much I did writing it! I didn't want to parody the Fixer-Upper song (it's a little too long and complicated) so I just decided to cut it out. And thanks to my sister for helping me with Hans' line to Anna! I was struggling with what to have him say when she suggested, "If only I were straight."

I don't really plan on doing any more parodies of Disney movies, though I did consider Tangled for a moment or two. If I ever did decide to parody it, it would be quite a while from now, when I actually have some free time!

Thanks again for reading, reviews are welcome!


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